Saturday, 26th December, 2015

Weight: 133lb

Unsurprisingly, I gained weight over Christmas. However for these next six days I will be doing the rainbow diet.

However, instead of fasting on the third day, I will skip to the next day then fast after all days are finished.

I have just eaten my half apple breakfast, and have wrapped up the other half ready for lunch later. I'm working today so I'll be getting some exercise, and if the weather's good I'll be walking home (about an hour's walk) instead of getting a lift.

Let's see how this goes, eh?

Wednesday, 23rd December, 2015

8 days to go.... 8 days until The Year Of Bones...

I'm literally losing the will to live. I need TYOB to arrive as soon as possible, I need that focus, that weight loss, that motivation. 

Sorry I haven't been blogging much, I've just literally been trying to keep myself alive up to now, and it's been really difficult.

I'll try to blog more. Come New Years, I'll be blogging daily haha so don't worry.

Wednesday, 16th, 3am

No, I'm not gonna sit here and say "I'm gonna kill myself" I just... 

I barely sleep anymore, I haven't for a while. Nor do I eat properly. I'm either in bed or at work, there is no in between. At work I feel like I can stay cheerful and happy and I almost manage to trick myself into feeling like things are okay.

But even at work now, my one escape from reality, I just feel... Idk.

Everything feels meaningless. I can't hold a conversation with someone so much so that one of the only 3 people who occasionally socialises with me told me to sod off cause I keep using one word replies... I don't know what to say. I don't even feel like trying anymore.

It's not that I want to die, no. I'm not suicidal okay so don't panic, nobody needs that kind of shit on here or anywhere else. 

I just don't want to exist. I don't want to BE, yknow?

Idk why I made this, just.... What's the point? I try so hard to be happy and upbeat but really what's the point? I'm not even alive. At least I don't feel like I am. I don't feel like I'm living.

Everything feels like a dream and I want to wake up.

Sorry.

About clogging up the Internet

With this

I just

Idk

Monday, 14th December, 2015

Weight: 126

So I did gain a pound from yesterday, but then again I ate like a normal person rather than weaning my way back to food from fasting.

I feel sick though, so I think I won't eat today and I'll only have a little of dinner.

I'm desperate to stay out of 130s now..

Sunday, 13th December, 2015

Weight: 124

So I decided to break my fast last night as I was feeling extremely sick. I still managed to lose weight though so that's good.

I can't wait for the new year to start, it's going to be perfect.

Friday, 11th December, 2015

Weight: FUCKING 127

Taking: Fat Metaboliser, African Mango w/ Green Tea, Ginseng Root, Calcium, Raspberry Ketones w/ Caffeine + Vit K2

HOLY SHIT.

I LOST 6 FUCKING POUNDS IN ONE FUCKING DAY OH MY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST.

*feverishly takes more diet pills*

I'm going to be so skinny for Christmas.

Thursday, 10th December, 2015

Weight: 133

Taking: Fat Metaboliser, African Mango w/ Green Tea, Ginseng Root, Calcium, Raspberry Ketones w/ Caffeine + Vit K2

Started taking my diuretics today. The calcium tablets are they chewable ones. They're disgusting.

Am aiming to fast until Christmas now, so hopefully I can lost at least a stone and a half by then, that'll bring me back down to 112lb (8st) then it's just one more stone til I'm back within a healthy BMI. 

I might try and swallow the calcium one whole next time...

Later . . . 

Well today was interesting.

I don't know whether it was the diet pills or a combination of those and my prescribed meds, but I was violently shaking this entire morning... I had to buy an extra litre bottle and am now home and starting my 5th litre today!!!

I feel like I've lost weight but we'll find out tomorrow morning.

Day one of my two week fast is complete!

Wednesday, 9th December, 2015

I haven't been blogging as frequently. I'm going through some shit right now. I've started a fast that I don't intend to end until Christmas. That's two weeks. 

Everything hurts right now. On the inside I mean.

I'm losing the will to keep going to be honest. It's exhausting.

Monday, 7th December, 2015

Weight: 131

Not surprising. I binged again last night and tried to purge. I say tried because I didn't manage to, which is why I gained.

Purging 3 nights in a row is exhausting. I think I'm gonna keep it just for when I do eat.

Gonna try to fast again now. The first 3 days, I'll allow myself a glass of milk in the evenings, then starting on the tenth I want to do a full 2-week water fast. It's my last chance before the end of the year.

I must do this. No wonder he doesn't want me back, I'm so disgusting and fat.

Sunday, 6th December, 2015

Weight: 129

I hate life. Fuck life. Fuck it all. Fuck it with a ten foot barge pole right in the ass.

I want to purge my heart out.

I fucking miss him.

Saturday, 5th December, 2015

Weight: 128

Oh my god I lost a pound....?! But I binged! Granted I purged it bu- hang on. 

I purged.

I lost weight.

Oh my god why did I stop doing this!

I can't sing anyway, so damaging my throat isn't something I should care about anymore. Awesome.

I'll only do it when I eat though.

God.... My dinner with RG on Monday was terrible.... I didn't order a thing and it was so awkward....

Next time I'll order something and just go purge it afterwards! Perfect.

Later . . .

Had to drink my 5hr Energy (4) because I was literally falling asleep at work - I only got 1 3/4 hrs of sleep last night. That's bad even for me, I usually get about 3-4hrs on average so under 2 is really bad.

However I've already reached 30mins of walking and it's only 11:30am so I'm on the right track!

Later . . .

Binged and purged again.

It's exhausting.

Friday, 4th December, 2015

Weight: 129

Finally below 130! Water fast yesterday, and again today. I'm gonna try to go as long as I possibly can, because I need to lose this fucking weight I'm a fat piece of shit and I hate it.

Aiming for 3ltrs of water again today, I managed it yesterday so it's possible.

I don't need luck, I need willpower.

Later . . .

Almost finished my 2nd litre and it's 1:10pm, so I'm doing well!!

Smelt some shortbread - I like to smell food because it's like eating it but without the calories.

Other than that, doing great, holding steady.

My parents are going away this weekend, until Monday, which means I can easily escape dinners and fast for the whole weekend! :D

Things are looking up.

Later . . . 

I feel like I can't eat when people are around. Then, when I'm home alone, that's the only time I feel I can enjoy food.

So I enjoyed some food. Dominos to be exact; large, with garlic bread and ice cream.

I'm lactose and gluten intolerant. It wasn't fun.

Just got back from the bathroom now. It's been such a long time since I purged, but I seem to be better at it than ever. I used to only get a little up but this time I'm pretty sure I got most of it, as I started to taste acid in my mouth.

My tummy feels more empty now. And my favourite takeaway wasn't as appealing or as enjoyable as I remembered.

I think I'm just going to continue fasting, and just purge whatever I do eat.

It feels better being empty.

Sunday, 29th November, 2015

Weight: 133lb

My metabolism seems completely fucked up. Water fasting does nothing for me right now, so today I'm doing a chocolate mono.

To maximise weight loss I have eaten all my chocolate this morning and I will fast for the remainder of the day. I did a chocolate mono before and lost 3lb at Easter by doing this, so I'm confident that it will work.

After that, apart from a small salad tomorrow for dinner I intend to liquid fast until Christmas/New Years. Depends whether I can get away with skipping Christmas dinner or not.

I will water fast for as long as possible, with 5hr Energy Drinks (4) as a boost if needed, and 200ml lactose free milk (80) as a strength booster. If I have to eat at any point it will be one of my instant soup sachets, which are all under 70.

I may also start having a mocha in the mornings if necessary (91) though I will try to avoid doing that.

Later . . .

Can I please just starve to death.

Thanks.

K bye.

Saturday, 28th November, 2015

Weight: 131lb

Didn't eat at all yesterday. Pure water fast. I'll do the same again today.

Annoyed that I didn't lose any weight, though the other day I did binge so that's understandable.

I'm going out for dinner with my colleague on Monday. I'm going to order a side salad, no dressing (17) and drink only water. I will be skinny.

No.

I will be bony.

That's what I want.

Skeletal.

That's my dream.

Light as a feather.

Thin as a rake.

I used to fast for weeks on end before stupid self recovery. I'm gonna get back to how I used to be - I was so light compared to now...

Thursday, 26th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

It's just as well I don't know, yesterday was horrible.

Water fasting today and hopefully for as long as possible. I've bought two extra litre bottles, so I'm gonna try and choke down 3 litres today. That should get the water weight from all the food off, and it'll help my skin too.

All this water, I feel kinda sick... But that's because I'm so bad at my hydration. I literally never drink water, or drinks in general actually. No wonder I keep eating. Half the time "hunger" is actually thirst!

Let's change that. I started at midnight, so almost 9hrs in so far. 

I can do this.

Later . . .

14hrs down.. And 2 litres down! I'm way ahead of schedule, I was meant to finish the 2nd litre by 4pm, I'm already on my third! Maybe I could squeeze in a fourth after work?

I feel so full. This is why I'm so fat. I don't drink enough water. All this weight is probably just water weight from the past half a year! Because I've literally not been drinking enough for that long.

My brother and his current girlfriend are coming over for dinner. I'm not going to join them. If I have to, I'll make some low calorie soup from my collection of instant sachets.

Please don't make me have dinner....

Wait.

Who am I kidding.

Nobody can make me eat.

My body my rules.

Later . . .

For fuck sake get your shit together.... No more fucking around this is bullshit I am a human being I have my own fucking willpower I am not a mindless calorie munching machine I have a fucking brain I choose what I do and I choose not to binge anymore it is disgusting and disgraceful.

Wednesday, 25th November, 2015

Weight: 129lb

So yeah I haven't posted today, and that weight was from this morning. I fucked up bad.

I've been filling my PC with bonespo, and I've told my ma I'm not gonna eat for a week. I'm serious. 

Ugh I want to be skin and bone.

I can't wait for New Years.

Tuesday, 24th November, 2015

Weight: 130lb

Ugh I hate being in triple figures...

But I intend to fast today. Fully fast, no dinner. Hopefully that'll help.

Seeing W today... It's been so long.

Shit! I need to wrap his birthday present! 

Later . . . 

We went to the tattoo parlour, where W got the tattoo I helped design. 

While he was getting it done, the guy who did my one a year ago came up and asked if we were together.

W: not anymore.

Guy: ooooh dear!

Me: it's okay we're still friends.

Guy: that's good. So who dumped who?

(We laugh)

Me: I regretfully left him because I was going through a bad time.

Guy: Regretfully? (To W) come on then, what can she do to get you to have her back? They don't call me Cupid for nothing!

Me: He has a girlfriend so sadly I don't have a chance...

Guy: Wait wait wait... So you (pointing at W) have a girlfriend, and you're here with her (pointing at me)? I'm sorry but you look perfect for each other, just saying.

I FUCKING KNOW! That's what I've been telling people!!! Thank you, tattoo guy!

Anyway, we went back to his, I said no to brownie bites, and then after a while he drove me home.

Overall a good day.

Monday, 23rd November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

Ma got me to help her weigh in this morning. 12st said the scales.

I would kill myself before I reached double figures in stone....

But if my ma's dieting, it means low calorie dinners. Like tonight, calorie-counted risotto - under 500kcal per portion. Though, after dinner today, I am planning on going as long as I can before eating again.

I gotta lose this weight. I gotta break the bingeing habit.

I will do this.

Later . . .

Had a snack pack of beef jerky (72) after work, and dinner will be chicken and mushroom risotto (328) so 400 on the dot today.

Hopefully I'll have lost when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

Sunday, 22nd November, 2015

Weight: 132lb

I'm not surprised I gained. I binged. Again. Pizza and ice cream... I'm gluten and lactose intolerant for christs sake!!! Why do I do this to myself?

Anyway, skipping roast chicken tonight, going to have cooked veg only, keep the calories low. I want to try and get back into minimal eating and full water fasting. At the moment I fast then binge, it's a horrible cycle.

I can't wait to live on my own. I'll measure everything out into small portions in ziplock bags in the fridge, then everything will be easy to calculate. If I lived alone I could choose not to buy junk, or even just food in general! 

But I can't afford to right now. I don't have the money.

I get about £800 a month. If we assume renting a place will be £325 a month, that leaves £475 left. £100 for utilities, which leaves £375, £180 for broadband and phone line, leaving £195, TV license is around £80, leaving £115, water and sewage costs around £200, leaving -£85, then I have my personal costs such as my manicure (£30), Netflix (£8), gym membership (£40), which then leaves -£163 for food and clothes..... So I'm screwed.

Until I can earn more, or find a partner who I can actually get to stay by me, I'm stuck in a house with too much food, parents who guilt trip and get in the way, and no organisation.

UGH. Why is living so expensive?!

Saturday, 21st November, 2015

Weight: 131lb

Still way too heavy... 

I feel so cold, it's horrible. I'm going to wear both my work fleeces today in the hopes that that will work.

I feel sick.

Later . . .

I'm so fucking cold. Fasted all day again, only gonna have a few chicken strips for dinner.

Friday, 20th November, 2015

Weight: 133lb

I met someone beautiful.

Well, I say met. I met her in the chatroom a day or so ago. I got to know her today. She's lovely.

I wish we could believe each other when we say we don't need to be the weights we fantasise about, and I wish I could help her even more. She made me feel like someone was genuinely worried, even with me being as fat as I am now, which kind of... It made me a little emotional. That someone worried and cared even though I weigh more than I ever have...

Sadly though, I have to continue. For the sake of my sanity.

We all have our vices I guess.

I miss getting drunk.

Thursday, 19th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

I'm gonna try to fast for the rest of the month. I ate a KFC today. It was disgusting. I don't know why I did it.

Sunday, 15th November, 2015

Weight: 131lb

Going down.... RG now knows everything. But in a way, people knowing about it makes me more determined. As if them looking at me and thinking that I'm not eating empowers me to prove them right.

Mum keeps buying lactose free stuff.... Chocolate milk is to arrive today... I feel okay with the normal milk but I'm gonna have to double check the calorie contents of the chocolate one... Ugh.

Having a small glass of milk and a small yogurt for breakfast. That way if RG bugs me about food I can get him off my back, plus I just checked and 200ml is 80, and the yogurt is 85, so it's not bad at all.

Later . . .

Felt a little sick, so ate some popcorn.

Don't feel so sick anymore. 

Saturday, 14th November, 2015

Weight: 133lb

Ugh... Dinner again last night.

I don't want to be this fat anymore...

I miss seeing my bones...

Friday, 13th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

My stepdad was home from work today... I couldn't weigh myself. In a way that's good because my mother got me to eat dinner yesterday... It was mainly protein so I guess that's okay, but I felt sick. It was also spicy so hopefully my metabolism took care of most of it.

My mother keeps buying me lactose free stuff... I wish she would stop. I feel guilty and like I have to consume all of it asap in case it goes off and is wasted.

She made me homemade lactose free ice cream for fucks sake!!!!

Thankfully, ice cream keeps for ever, and the milk is my "safe food", so I guess I'll manage.

On the bus... It smells like peanut butter.... Ugh I can almost taste the fat.

It's disgusting.

RG texted me last night: What did you have for dinner?

I didn't reply.

Thursday, 12th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

I'll be able to weigh myself tomorrow morning, as I start work a little later. I doubt I've lost much.

I've just... Last night, I just lost hope. Me and W will never be together again, I let him go and that was my wrongdoing. He's happy with someone else now and he probably doesn't even give a second thought to me. He says he still cares but....

I just don't want to do anything anymore. Eat, sleep, work... My heart feels sick.

Guess that's one way to diet.

Later . . . 

Did someone tell my boss?!

I was having stomach pains, and he asked what was wrong. I explained I'm not meant to get those kinds of pains anymore, and he asked if I was eating properly. 

Boss: I dunno haha I know you're dieting and I just see you taking it to the extreme.

......... Gotta keep it covered.

Wednesday, 11th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

So yesterday was a complete failure. But I've made my decision now so starting from now, it's minimal. I'm allowed one bite of other people's treats but no more, and I'm not allowed my own treats. No full meals either, only an occasional glass of milk or small healthy snack if needed.

I will do this. I have just over a month.

Later . . .

We went out for dinner. I ordered a mixed salad to start, but I didn't say "without dressing" so I only managed to choke down a few mouthfuls. For main, I had a children's ham, egg and chips. I couldn't eat many of the chips. I hate carbs.

Dessert, I skipped that part of course, though I allowed myself a bite of my mother's waffle. It was good, but I didn't need more than one bite, that was good enough.

Back to minimal.

Tuesday, 10th November, 2015

Weight: 130lb

So I've lost about 5 pounds. It's not enough. I hate being over 7 stone I can't believe I let myself get like this...

It's my day off today. Of course I'm not gonna eat. I'm meeting up with a friend in the afternoon so I might allow myself one drink of sorts, but that'll be it.

W still hasn't replied as to meeting up... He's got free evenings for two weeks and I told him to let me know.... 

Does he even want to see me? I doubt it.

He was the only one who made me feel beautiful...

Later . . .

I binged. A cheesy bread roll, two thin caramel chocolate bars, four packs of crisps... I feel sick. But at least it wasn't a major binge, so maybe it's recoverable if I focus for the rest of today.

I'm disgusting.

Monday, 9th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

I'll have a chance to weigh myself properly tomorrow.

I did eat dinner yesterday - roast beef, veg and potatoes - but that'll boost my metabolism.

I've decided I'll keep to minimal eating, but allow myself one or two bites of things I like/crave, that way it should prevent any breakdowns and binges while still losing weight.

I feel so tired and cold...

Later . . .

I got a notification from my pizza ordering app - loads of offers, buy one get one for £1, free sides with a large pizza.... - and I was kinda fantasising about them at the front desk, when my colleague came up to me and said: Aren't you on a diet?

Me: Yeah but pizza...

LE: You're on a diet, don't do this to yourself.

He's right. I'm on a diet. I'm on a diet.

I'm on a diet. I'm on a diet. I'm on a diet.

My body doesn't know it's Christmas. It doesn't just stop turning calories into pounds. Who am I kidding.

I want to be skinny for Christmas.

Later . . .

LE: Okay one of you two needs to go on lunch.

Me: Go on, you go

EB: You sure? You started earlier?

Me: No go on its fine

RG: She won't eat.

Way to keep it hush hush. So great my whole workplace is gonna know I don't eat.... Guess that gives me more reason to prove them right.

Later . . .

Fate is telling me not to eat.

I had the urge to go buy junk after work today so I was heading to the shop, when I bumped into a friend, so I spoke to him, then he had to go to the bathroom so asked me to hold his stuff. I stood there awkwardly, and by the time he got back my bus had arrived, so I had to run!

Fate is telling me to keep going.

It's a sign.

Sunday, 8th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

I'm so tired. I'm using Lactose Free milk as my safe food at the moment because it doesn't make me feel sick, it's filling and it's not majorly high in calories. Also there's such a thing as the Milk Diet so it can't be all bad.

Feel really sick this morning so had a glass of milk, was also feeling weak last night, I was about to go eat!!! So I had some milk then too and it helped.

Off to work now..

Later . . .

Well, now two colleagues know I don't eat. LE walked in and saw me sitting out back: What you doing?

Me: It's my lunch break.

LE: Yeah, but what you doing?

Me: Having my lunch break.

LE: Are you not gonna eat?

Me: I'm not hungry.

LE: Yeah but does that mean you aren't gonna eat anything?

Me: I'm just not hungry.

LE: But does that mean you're not eating?

Me: Look, I don't want lunch okay?

LE: Okay.... You know it's unhealthy right?

Me: Psh yeah, not like that hadn't been said to me before.

LE: Yet you're sitting there with no lunch, so it needs to be said again, and again, and again.... (Leaves). 

Hurrah. And he's basically the assistant manager so what if he tells my boss? I mean my boss knows I have issues, he knows about my depression and aspergers and stuff but this is something that risks my health so what if he fires me for it? I'll lose the best job I've ever had, I'll lose being part of an amazing team....

But I'm so fucking fat.....

Later . . . 

I want to be healed... As in I want this demon inside me to stop restricting me so much... I want to live my life and enjoy it, I've only got one..

I mean.... Maybe I shouldn't be starting this stuff so close to Christmas..

Saturday, 7th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

So I didn't weigh myself this morning, too tired, but I haven't eaten anything substantial since Wednesday so that's good.

Didn't have to use my 5hr yesterday but got it on me just in case today.

I told RG about my eating issues.... He's a colleague at work. He was quite quiet this morning.

I hope he doesn't change how he treats me... I hate that.

Later . . . 

Sometimes I feel like I just wanna live my life.

And other times I just wanna fucking starve.

Friday, 6th November, 2015

Weight: 135lb

Disgusting I know. I went to America and came back so fat. I'm dieting again now. At last.

Breakfast this morning was a small glass of lactofree milk. I'm lactose intolerant now so that cuts out a lot of foods for me, which is good. Yesterday I had a 5hr Energy (4kcal), which lasted me most of the day. I did succumb to a free piece of chocolate during my lunch break, but it was only a small taster piece so I'm letting it slide. Dinner yesterday was a portion of my milk again. 

Chicken and salad for dinner tonight mum says. No way, I'm skipping that.

I will be pretty again. I will. I remember when I was 84lb, I took it for granted back then. Not anymore, I've seen how fat I can become when I lose sight of my goals and I hate it.

I used to love myself. Now he's gone and all I see is the flaws he helped me to ignore.

Later . . . 

Doing well - haven't eaten a single morsel today, and I've saved my 5hr so I can have a boost at lunch if I need it.

Really proud, and I have an excuse to skip dinner!! Meeting up with an old friend after work today.

Things are looking good so far, haven't eaten anything substantial since Wednesday.

Lunchtime now in fact, it's so boring. Nothing to do! I feel okay so I won't have my 5hr yet.

I'll have a small soya milk hot chocolate tonight. I know it's unhealthy but I'm meeting up with an old friend who knows about this stuff so I don't want her to worry. I haven't spoken to her in ages, I don't want the first time we speak to be about me trying to diet again..

Monday, 17th August, 2015

Weight: Don't know

Mum was up with me this morning. No weigh in again.

I saw myself in the mirror this morning, my collarbones are just peeking out. It's nice.

Why did I stop?

I'll have a "binge" day today, but keep it low, then start again tomorrow. Only reason I'm not starting now is I stupidly told mum and now she's gonna expect me to eat something, at least today anyway.

Basically I'm starting again ASAP because I lost a whole stone, only one more stone to go and three weeks til holiday. I could lose 3 stone!!

I have to say though, for the first long fast in over half a year, I think I did pretty well.

Now let's do better.

Later . . .

Ugh, I hate this. But, if I'm not honest here I'm just lying to myself.

Today I had:

> 2 small slices granary bread

> A cheese and onion sandwich

> Small pack of lightly salted popcorn

> Shaper Fruit Nougat Bar x 2

> Small homemade stem ginger cake

Urrrrrg I hate the feeling of this food inside me why did I ruin it...

But, I have a plan.

I'm skipping dinner tonight (I'm too full up mum) and tomorrow I'll go to the gym, burn off lots and then skipping dinner again to go out "drinking", but I'll stick to water and start fasting again tomorrow. Then it's just making excuses each evening.

I will do this! Plus today will boost my metabolism back up so I'll lose more weight hopefully.

Sunday, 16th August, 2015

Weight: 112

8st again. Am I really 8 stone? I used to think it was so much fatter than I feel right now. Oh well.

Sudden head pains, losing my voice and an utterly crushed heart.

I hope I go into a coma soon. Maybe if I fast for long enough I will.

Hope so.

Later . . .

I'm done.

Saturday, 15th August, 2015

Weight: Don't know

So I woke up late and had to rush, meaning no time for a weigh-in but 5 DAYS DONE! I'm on day 6 now! I'm so proud of myself for being so strong after such a long time of having no self-control.
I'm on my third bottle of water, which will make it 2.25 litres today so far, and will use the same excuse as before regarding dinner.

My ex, his girlfriend and I had an emotional discussion on Skype last night... I think he might end up dumping her... Which breaks my heart cause she's so lovely, but at the same time I really want him back...
Ugh it makes me feel like such a bastard.

Anyway, planning on not eating until Tuesday (9 days) and I now have the potential to make it ten, with a little cider thrown in, as next Tuesday all three of us plus another mate are going out for a drink together! I might not even have cider, I might even stick with water and watch them all get smashed...
But at the same time I love being drunk so much... So very much...

Well, we'll see. So far so good.

Later . . .

Part of me thinks "Almost 6 days! I'm doing so well! Everyone reading this will see how strong I am! I don't want to let them down!"

And another part of me cries "Why can't I just eat like a normal person, order pizza, enjoy myself and be happy?"

..... That's all I wanted to type for now really. This is kinda a diary so that's how I'm feeling....

Later . . .

Mum didn't even ask about dinner.

I don't even care anymore.

I hope this kills me.

Friday, 14th August, 2015

Weight: 115 (half dressed)

I feel great, I'm doing so well! I finish work at 5pm today so I'll use yesterday's excuse to get out of dinner tonight, and then that'll be 5 days! 5 days of water fasting (and one cider), I've lost almost a stone in 4 days, just like when I used to do this before, it still works!

Man I'm so happy, just gotta keep it up and keep drinking. I only had about 1.5 litres yesterday so that's not good... But I aim to do better today.

Nothing will stop me.

Later . . .

The excuse worked and I'm just finishing off my 4th 750ml bottle of water, which makes that 3 litres for today.

In many ways I want to stop and learn to eat like a normal person, but I'm doing so well...

Thursday, 13th August, 2015

Weight: Don't know

Mum was up early with me this morning so I didn't get a chance to weigh myself. She's annoyed with me because I texted her last night when she was only downstairs - which I did because I was upset and she'd have insisted on talking about it.

Also turns out I couldn't go to the gym this morning because I had to go and collect my exam results. I tried walking back, it's about 5 miles, but I got halfway and felt sick, so I got the bus for the next few hundred metres, then got off and walked again. In total, I burned 245 so not too bad really.

Still haven't eaten, and I'm seeing my ex on Tuesday so I aim to fast until then, making it a 9-day fast. I really wanted to binge last night but I refused to, even when mum said my parents would be having some light cheese and crackers, and I was welcome to join.

Carbs are killing us.

Later . . .
I'm doing good. I love work, barely any sitting down, I'm always up and walking, and still haven't let a morsel touch my lips. I have my excuse for tonight figured out ("I picked up dinner on the way home from work") and by tomorrow I'll have completed 4 days of this fast. This is my first time fasting in months and I'm so proud of myself for staying strong so far! I aim to keep it up.

On my lunch break,
RG: Eat.
Me: Nah I'm good

He didn't push it further, smart guy. I'm not gonna eat just yet.

Wednesday, 12th August, 2015

Weight: Don't know

So I got up this morning and was barely able to roll out of bed. Fasting is tiring when you exercise on top of it...

Skipped breakfast, obviously, then went to work for four hours, constant standing up.

I did want to go to the gym after work but I felt like if I did go, I would be disappointed in my progress (as my legs are still aching from yesterday), and that would lead to an "oh fuck it I'm useless at this I may as well binge" attitude (I know myself well).

However, I did walk the hour long journey back to my house instead, and my pedometer suggests I burned 145 by doing those 5000+ steps, which I may need later as I don't have an excuse yet to skip dinner... I'm going to try the "I had a big lunch" one, but I don't know if mum will buy it.

I've drunk 1.5 litres so far and been fasting for 2 days and 5 hours, so I'm quite pleased, plus if I make it through this evening I can fast for at LEAST 4 days, because I'm working late tomorrow, which also means gym in the morning.

Just got to keep going..

Tuesday, 11th August, 2015

Weight: 119lb

So, I'm still fasting, and off to the gym today! Just getting ready.

Right, so I'll need my:

> Bag - CHECK

> Towel - CHECK

> Shampoo & Conditioner - CHECK

> Shower gel - CHECK

> Deodorant - CHECK

> Normal Clothes; Top, Trousers, Socks -  CHECK

> Workout Clothes; Top, Bottoms, Socks - CHECK

> Hair comb - CHECK

> Full water bottle - CHECK

> Trainers - CHECK

Done. Ready to go burn calories. Plus it's a 30min walk to the gym anyway so that'll get my calorie burning going before I even get there!

Later . . .

I was aiming for 500, but for the first workout in over half a year, I think I did okay.

Plus, I've been fasting since yesterday morning, which is brilliant. Just need to find a way to escape dinner tonight....

Later . . .

Success! Went out bowling with my ex and his girlfriend, I did drink a pint of cider but I don't count alcohol as breaking fast, because the calories are then prioritised in your body to be burned first. My logic haha.

So, still haven't eaten, been to the gym, and I've drunk about 2 litres of water today. Awesome!

Anyway time to relax, I feel rather sick, and if I'm feeling okay tomorrow I'll go to the gym again, as I finish work early.

Ugh. I shouldn't have had that cider...

Monday, 10th August, 2015

Weight: 122.5lb (fully dressed, after breakfast)

So I'm starting today at 9am.

I'm having a bit of a binge for breakfast, to whack my metabolism into gear, then fasting for as long as I can.

So my cringeworthy breakfast is:

> 2 slices bacon

> 2 kitkats

> 1 Curly Wurly

> 1 Plain ice cream cone (aka just the cone)

> 3 small slices gluten free fruit bread

> 1 gluten free roll

Now I'm hoping that'll get my metabolism going, and then all I need to do is escape dinners with my parents.

Ugh choking down the roll right now and I can't wait to start fasting again a the feeling of food in my mouth is gross.

Nope I'm gonna throw away the rest of this roll, so

> 2/3 gluten free roll

Bleh. I'm joining the gym today too. I've decided.

Later . . .

I didn't want to take my lunch break for ages, so my colleague at work was like

RG: Go have your lunch break!

Me: (jokingly but actually serious) I wanna work all day!

RG: (shoves me through the staff door smiling) And you're not coming out until you've eaten!

Me: (under my breath) That'll be a long time...

Weirdly enough I kinda wish he was serious and locked me in for weeks....

In other news, I'm skipping dinner! Said to my ma I'll grab something on my way to the gym so awh yiss!

Feeling a tad sick, I've almost drunk 1.75 litres today which is good and I'm gonna try and get my litre bottle refilled and then empty again by the time I get home.

Sunday, 9th August, 2015

Weight: 126 (fully dressed)

So I used to blog every day, and I remember when I did that I lost a load of weight so I'm gonna do that again.

At the moment I've been fasting during the day and then eating dinner with my parents in the evening, but I think I'd like to start fasting 24/7 because I have one month to get to at least 98lb by September 10th.

It's gonna be tough.



Later. . .
I DID IT! I resisted one of my all-time fave meals! Roast Chicken Family Dinner - I had a small chicken thigh, 2 potato halves, and mostly boiled carrots/cabbage and boiled swede! I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF I EVEN SAID NO TO DESSERT!!!

I am actually so proud, and I fasted for 23.5hrs before that so heck yeeeaaah!
But it's gonna be tougher tomorrow because my ma's making Chicken & Mushroom Risotto, and she knows it's literally my No. 1 fave meal...... I'll try to get out of it, but if I can't I'll just have half of it. It's a low calorie meal (about 300 per serve) so it shouldn't be too bad for me.

And I can't wait for Tuesday and Wednesday - I don't have a gym membership but Tuesday is my day off so I'm gonna do a paid session at the gym, and same on Wednesday because I finish work at lunchtime.

I haven't been to the gym in so long..... I'm gonna aim for at least 500kcal, preferably 800, and UG is 1,000 to burn.