Fate Says No

Plans to order sushi
Plans to eat some food
Still under 1,000
Should be pretty good

Go onto the website
Type my postcode in
Look for sushi restaurant
For my din din din

Website says "Closed" for sushi
Guess I'll fast today
At least I'll lose some extra weight
Hooray, hip-hip-hooray!

Tuesday 28th November 2017

Weight: 154.4lb / 70kg

So I was going to do a max of 500 today but I felt VERY binge-y around lunch time, and rather than risk bingeing (There was bread and cheese in the house - major binge foods for me!), I decided to raise my limit to 1,000 and have a cheese sandwich for lunch.

The way I see it, it's my day off so I can spend a few hours on my bike if I want, and even if I don't I should still lose weight. Also, by having a cheese sandwich (with tomato sauce), I got to taste what I would have binged on!

I'm now on my 16th day binge free, and I can't remember if I said this already, but if I make it to Christmas without bingeing then I'm allowed to have Christmas Day as a "free day", which means no calorie counting and it means if I want to eat nearer 2,000 then I can.

I'm also now 154.4lb, which is a BMI of 31.1 and I am SO CLOSE to being out of the Obese BMI Category! Once I reach 148.4lb / 67.3kg I will be BMI 29.9 and will be OVERWEIGHT AND NOT OBESE.

I'm so close.

Saturday 25th November 2017

Weight: 155.5lb / 70.5kg

So I've been trying to eat a bit more "normally" this week (still under 1,000 a day though) because my ma was getting worried, and I don't like to worry her, even though she won't force me to do anything.

Also, work is kicking up. Retail work during Christmas time is pretty unforgiving, and I can't afford to be weak and sick over the Christmas period. So I'm trying to eat around 500-1000 a day instead of just not eating (which is what I really want to do).

Weight loss has slowed due to this, but I'm hoping I'll still continue to lose with this higher restriction.

Fingers crossed!

Later . . .
Oh my god I'm so close. 985kcal burned, I've been on my bike for like 4 hours now. I'm past my total for today (882), so I'm already on a negative net.

I want to be able to say I burned 1,000kcal.... I've never done that in one sitting before.... I'm so fucking tired and I haven't had any water all day so I'm so dehydrated but god I'm so close. I can barely type it's taking all my focus!!

995 now... FUCK IM SO CLOSE.
Legit typing this as I'm riding and watching the calorie count go up.
998... I can feel my heart
999..
FUCKING DID IT
1,000 FUCKING CALORIES OH MY GOD.
Took me like 4.5 hours but fucking hell I did it.
Fuck
I'm so tired.
I'm gonna go shower now.
I'm all gross and sweaty.
And then I'm gonna get water and go to bed.

I did it.

Sunday 19th November 2017

Weight: 156.6

Well, I skipped all meals and have had nothing but my Caramel Mocha today (79) and currently on my bike burning the last of that off so that I have a negative net balance.

I weighed with clothes on this morning so I expect I've actually dropped a little more, but oh well.

7 DAYS BINGE FREE WOO!

Plus, I got given a box of a dozen Krispy Kreme Doughnuts today, but have managed to pawn them off on my mother so she can take them to work tomorrow - No calories for me!

Nobody at work commented on my weight loss..... Guess I need to lose more before they'll notice. No problem, I have so much self control now.

I can do this.

Saturday 18th November 2017

Weight: 156.6lb

Lost another kilogram woo!

Changing it up a bit today, felt very "binge-y" so have decided to have 3 "meals" today. Had my Mocha (79) for breakfast, along with 10 cheeky jelly beans (41), and just finished up having 3 rice cakes (81) and 3 corn thins (69) for lunch.

This evening, if I even want it, I'm allowed some chicken noodle soup (128).

On my bike now, trying to get my net value down to zero again so I can still lose weight because I'm eating more today.

Friday, 17th November, 2017

Weight: 158.8

OH MY GOD I'M OUT OF THE 160's!!!!!
Man, I haven't been this low in about 3 years... This is amazing!

I've been on holiday from work since last Friday, and it's done such good; I genuinely think I've got the bingeing under control now!

My goal is to lose enough so that, when I go back to work this Sunday, my colleagues comment on my weight loss. That's my goal right now.

I'm doing so well not eating and skipping meals, and I always find that easier to do on days where I'm working rather than days where I'm not, so it's gonna be great when I go back to work! I have so much self control right now it's amazing.

Currently typing this while on my bike, just burning off my morning latte (69). I'm going by cals consumed right now, instead of Net, but even so I like knowing I have a zero net.

ALSO, one of my oldest friends contacted me and asked if I wanted to go walking with her for fitness this winter - HECK TO THE YESSS

Not only does walking burn calories, we'd be walking around in really nice places, plus being cold burns more calories than being warm, so that's a bonus of doing it in winter!

God damn, things are really looking up, I'm so freakin happy.

Cravings

The monster growls inside of me
Craving calories
The beast it hides beneath my bones
"Give me food!" it pleas

"Donuts! Pizza! Ice cream too!"
I shake my head in shame
"No," I say "We cannot see
our weight just stay the same!"

"Things will never change," I say,
"Until we fight the binge.
Beast you really test me so,
but I guarantee I'll win!"

The beast it growls in anger and
Sits inside it's cage
It has no control of me
But still I feel it's rage.

It paces back and forth inside
Urging me to eat
"I won't!" I cry, "I will not
give in to this defeat!"

And so I lose it, pound by pound
'Til happiness I find
I lose the weight, I win this war
And slowly lose my mind.

Madness

Madness. Madness!
It's madness they say
The desire for bones
Just won't go away

The desire to wither
The desire to fade
The desire to have
The future I made

The future I made
Inside of my head
A skeletal figure
Of me, nearly dead

Why must I have this
It's madness you see
It's madness to want this
Bones just for me

Don't get me wrong
Food is my life
In more ways than one
It's my ultimate strife

I eat just to eat
Not to fill a void
Then I starve just to starve
'Til body destroyed

Food is my love
My dearest obsession
The root of it all
My biggest depression

To eat or to not
That is the query
But whatever I choose
Is wrong. Do you see?

Thinner

Mocha in the morning

Seventy-nine

Nothing in the evening

Doing just fine

Latte the next morning

Sixty-nine

Nothing once again

I'm doing just fine

Nothing in the morning

I'm doing super fine

Nothing for the whole day

These bones are mine

Things Are Going Better

It's been forever since I blogged....

So, an update:

I had a massive period of bingeing, read the "Brain Over Binge" book, and now am turning my life around. I am on day 3 binge free, and I'm doing much better!

In other news, The Year Of Bones is all ready to go for 2018! I can't wait, the spreadsheets are all sorted, the workbooks and challenges are done, everything is prepared, all that's left is for me to stop bingeing.

I've added some thinspo onto my blog because why not (God I want to be as thin as Eugenia Cooney - if not thinner), and yeah fingers crossed that I've got my bingeing under control!