I don't want to be here

The title says it all really.
I feel so fucking dead inside.
Nothing is enjoyable.
My laughs are empty.
My smiles are so fake.
I feel like I'm going to break down.
But I'm not.
Not yet anyway.

I can't stop eating.
And of course what I eat is crap.
I've eaten so much crap that the entire inside of my mouth hurts.
It feels rough and damaged.
Used too much.
And I'm pretty sure I have Rumination Syndrome.
Which, when you research it,
Is fucking disgusting.

I feel sick from eating too much.
All the time.
And I want to stop.
Hell, I want to starve and die.
But I don't seem able to.
I just keep eating.
And then re-eating...

I don't want to sleep.
But I've been late to work twice this week.
It can't happen again.
I feel constantly tired.
But constantly awake.

I've been looking for jobs.
And Apprenticeships.
Scrolling through page after page.
But I don't even know what I'm looking for.
The websites say "What industry are you interested in?"
And I read all the options.
And my brain, for every option, says "No, we can't do that."

Office work is a no, I would go insane.

Retail I can do, but always end up leaving after a year,
For some reason or another (not always my choice..).

I love to count things, but where is a job that does that?

I couldn't be a receptionist or assistant,
They have to remember 100 things at once,
And make sure they write everything down.
(I'm awful at that...)

Working with children has been suggested,
But I can only deal with kids in short bursts.
They make me so fucking tired,
So fucking quickly.
And the crying/screaming/yelling...
SHUT THE FUCK UP.

What about night shifts?
Can't get home.

What about animal care?
No qualifications.
Plus the excrement makes me feel ill....
Not to mention other fluids
Which for all intents and purposes
Should remain INSIDE the animal.
(And don't always)

IT work?
Again, no experience.
And with this one, everywhere I've looked
Says "Must have 1-2 years experience in this exact job"
So that definitely helps.
Also customers tend to be extremely negative
When it comes to tech....
Which is the very reason I stopped working
With selling Apple products.

I have my Doctor's appointment on Tuesday.
I have a few things to tell him.
> Feeling Suicidal (again)
> Rumination Syndrome (will be mentioning this for the second time. He merely "mhmm"ed last time)
> No shark attack for 2 months
> Continuous binge eating
> Stress regarding work
> I have no future in life

I feel as though I need a therapist.
Just to talk things out with.
Professionally, I mean.
But the only way I can get that
Without it costing me £50 an hour
Is with my doctor's referral.

And he just "mhmm"s everything I say....

But I don't want another doctor.
That would involve getting used to someone new,
And beginning all over again,
And I'm already gonna have to do that with my job.

I'm too pussy to kill myself
But I really want to.
I just don't want to be here.
Or, failing that,
I want something bad to happen
So I have an excuse for being this sad.
Or so that I end up in hospital
And I can just get the fuck away
From this unending madness
And just not have to care about anything
And have people looking after me
So that I no longer have to try
(and fail)
To look after myself.

I'm just a special fucking snowflake.

Jan 19th 2018 - TYOB Day #19

Weight: Don't know

So things have been kind of up and down, I might potentially lose my job due to the way my brain works and processes things, I've binged a total of 6 times so far this year, I feel completely lost and displaced in both my life and my physical body, and the food I've been eating has been utter shit.

Hopefully my diet can still succeed though, as a friend is going to be helping me now! She's amazing, she's going to help me cut down on fat, refined sugar, processed chemicals etc, which will hopefully curb the binge urge, PLUS it'll mean that the calories I'm eating are actually USEFUL calories!

We're going to create a Weekly Meal Plan that I'll use for every week, where Mondays will all be the same plan, Tuesdays will all be the same etc etc, making each day on day different, but creating a routine I can get settled in.

Saturdays will be my Shop & Prep days, where I will buy what I need for the week, and prepare my meals in advance for the week ahead.

With luck, the weight will start to fall right off me :)

Jan 5th 2018 - TYOB Day #5

Weight: (as of 3rd Jan) 143.3

11:40am
So I’ve been super shitty with my accountability on here.

Basically, days 1 and 2 went fine, i fasted, day 3 went fine, 846kcal total, and then i binged day 4.

Today is going well though, I’m looking to be dead on 750kcal today if all goes well, and I’ll probably go on my bike tonight or tomorrow to make up a little for the bingeing yesterday.

This morning’s breakfast consisted of 4 Rice Cakes (108), which I skipped yesterday, and I think that’s what caused the binge.

Jan 1st 2018 - TYOB Day 1

Weight: 151.1lb

4pm
I feel super shit today. The urge to binge is so strong, and depression is really bad today. However, it’s already 4pm and I haven’t eaten anything, so the fast is going well at least.

I’m stocked up on water, Pepsi Max, Sprite Zero and sparkling water, and I’m just drinking as much as possible.

And so it begins...

New Beginnings

#ProudPost

I’m really nervous but also excited.

I’ve been stepping out of my comfort zone more and more recently, and this NYE I’ve taken a big step.

I have never been away from my parents as I transition into a New Year, and due to Aspergers I usually stick to my traditions and what I know.

However, this year, I’m going on the train on my own (scary thing 1), up to Orpington in the evening (scary thing 2), And am spending the night with some people I’ve recently met (scary thing 3)

Train tickets have been purchased, it is official.

Not only that, but one of the 3 people I’ll be with is someone who likes me, and who I’ve been gradually getting close to.... I haven’t gotten close to anyone in about 4 years since my ex, and I don’t actually know how I feel about this guy he kinda frazzles my brain! But I told him I’d like to try a platonic movie cuddling night with him.......

I haven’t cuddled up to anyone but my mum in 4 years..... I have explained to him that I might hate it and say no and been very clear about my boundaries, but he’s just been so understanding and respectful about every part of my mental health so far!

He’s even said he’ll help me stop bingeing and reach my ultimate goal weight because he knows it’ll make me happy! He’s just so..... accepting. And caring but without being overwhelming and overbearing.

So I will be starting 2018 off in a completely and utterly new way to how I’ve ever done it before.....!

And yknow what? I’m scared.

... but I’m pretty proud too!

A Good Run

Weight: 138.9

Well that was a good run.
Tuesday 5th - Fasted
Wednesday 6th - Fasted
Thursday 7th - 82kcal
Friday 8th - Fasted
Saturday 9th - Fasted
Sunday 10th - Fasted
Monday 11th - Fasted
Tuesday 12th - Fasted
Wednesday 13th - Fasted
Today - 270kcal

I have so much more control now, and as of tonight I am 32 days binge free!

I’ve decided to eat for a few days at least, 200-500 calories or less, as people at work are getting suspicious.

Sunday 3rd December 2017

Weight: Don’t know

I can’t weigh every day sadly, so tomorrow will be my next weigh in (I hope!)

I haven’t eaten more than 300 the past two days - today was only 64kcal and that was my calendar chocolates in the evening!

I’m really hoping that tomorrow I will be 150lb / 68kg because that’s my first goal! I’m planning to get my nails done as a reward once I reach it, so I really want that to be done in time for christmas!

I’m also super close to being out of the obese category - I THINK it’s 148lb / 67kg that I need to get to to be out of that category, so I’m super close!!

Also, 21 days binge free! 3 weeks! Which also means I’m halfway to Christmas, because that’ll be 42 days binge free!

fingers crossed for my weigh in tomorrow!

Tuesday 28th November 2017

Weight: 154.4lb / 70kg

So I was going to do a max of 500 today but I felt VERY binge-y around lunch time, and rather than risk bingeing (There was bread and cheese in the house - major binge foods for me!), I decided to raise my limit to 1,000 and have a cheese sandwich for lunch.

The way I see it, it's my day off so I can spend a few hours on my bike if I want, and even if I don't I should still lose weight. Also, by having a cheese sandwich (with tomato sauce), I got to taste what I would have binged on!

I'm now on my 16th day binge free, and I can't remember if I said this already, but if I make it to Christmas without bingeing then I'm allowed to have Christmas Day as a "free day", which means no calorie counting and it means if I want to eat nearer 2,000 then I can.

I'm also now 154.4lb, which is a BMI of 31.1 and I am SO CLOSE to being out of the Obese BMI Category! Once I reach 148.4lb / 67.3kg I will be BMI 29.9 and will be OVERWEIGHT AND NOT OBESE.

I'm so close.

Saturday 25th November 2017

Weight: 155.5lb / 70.5kg

So I've been trying to eat a bit more "normally" this week (still under 1,000 a day though) because my ma was getting worried, and I don't like to worry her, even though she won't force me to do anything.

Also, work is kicking up. Retail work during Christmas time is pretty unforgiving, and I can't afford to be weak and sick over the Christmas period. So I'm trying to eat around 500-1000 a day instead of just not eating (which is what I really want to do).

Weight loss has slowed due to this, but I'm hoping I'll still continue to lose with this higher restriction.

Fingers crossed!

Later . . .
Oh my god I'm so close. 985kcal burned, I've been on my bike for like 4 hours now. I'm past my total for today (882), so I'm already on a negative net.

I want to be able to say I burned 1,000kcal.... I've never done that in one sitting before.... I'm so fucking tired and I haven't had any water all day so I'm so dehydrated but god I'm so close. I can barely type it's taking all my focus!!

995 now... FUCK IM SO CLOSE.
Legit typing this as I'm riding and watching the calorie count go up.
998... I can feel my heart
999..
FUCKING DID IT
1,000 FUCKING CALORIES OH MY GOD.
Took me like 4.5 hours but fucking hell I did it.
Fuck
I'm so tired.
I'm gonna go shower now.
I'm all gross and sweaty.
And then I'm gonna get water and go to bed.

I did it.

Sunday 19th November 2017

Weight: 156.6

Well, I skipped all meals and have had nothing but my Caramel Mocha today (79) and currently on my bike burning the last of that off so that I have a negative net balance.

I weighed with clothes on this morning so I expect I've actually dropped a little more, but oh well.

7 DAYS BINGE FREE WOO!

Plus, I got given a box of a dozen Krispy Kreme Doughnuts today, but have managed to pawn them off on my mother so she can take them to work tomorrow - No calories for me!

Nobody at work commented on my weight loss..... Guess I need to lose more before they'll notice. No problem, I have so much self control now.

I can do this.

Saturday 18th November 2017

Weight: 156.6lb

Lost another kilogram woo!

Changing it up a bit today, felt very "binge-y" so have decided to have 3 "meals" today. Had my Mocha (79) for breakfast, along with 10 cheeky jelly beans (41), and just finished up having 3 rice cakes (81) and 3 corn thins (69) for lunch.

This evening, if I even want it, I'm allowed some chicken noodle soup (128).

On my bike now, trying to get my net value down to zero again so I can still lose weight because I'm eating more today.

Friday, 17th November, 2017

Weight: 158.8

OH MY GOD I'M OUT OF THE 160's!!!!!
Man, I haven't been this low in about 3 years... This is amazing!

I've been on holiday from work since last Friday, and it's done such good; I genuinely think I've got the bingeing under control now!

My goal is to lose enough so that, when I go back to work this Sunday, my colleagues comment on my weight loss. That's my goal right now.

I'm doing so well not eating and skipping meals, and I always find that easier to do on days where I'm working rather than days where I'm not, so it's gonna be great when I go back to work! I have so much self control right now it's amazing.

Currently typing this while on my bike, just burning off my morning latte (69). I'm going by cals consumed right now, instead of Net, but even so I like knowing I have a zero net.

ALSO, one of my oldest friends contacted me and asked if I wanted to go walking with her for fitness this winter - HECK TO THE YESSS

Not only does walking burn calories, we'd be walking around in really nice places, plus being cold burns more calories than being warm, so that's a bonus of doing it in winter!

God damn, things are really looking up, I'm so freakin happy.

Things Are Going Better

It's been forever since I blogged....

So, an update:

I had a massive period of bingeing, read the "Brain Over Binge" book, and now am turning my life around. I am on day 3 binge free, and I'm doing much better!

In other news, The Year Of Bones is all ready to go for 2018! I can't wait, the spreadsheets are all sorted, the workbooks and challenges are done, everything is prepared, all that's left is for me to stop bingeing.

I've added some thinspo onto my blog because why not (God I want to be as thin as Eugenia Cooney - if not thinner), and yeah fingers crossed that I've got my bingeing under control!

Why

I am so fucking done with my brain.

I'm meant to have started the Skinny Girl diet today and I fucking binged this morning on rice, meaning I've gone over the 400kcal limit for today. If I don't eat for the rest of the day then it's salvageable as I wouldn't be over 1,000 so I could still potentially lose A BIT of weight.

But dear god I want to drill a hole into my fucking brain, grab a vacuum and suck this faulty piece of shit muscle out of my body. I DONT WANT TO RESTRICT. Yes I want to lose weight but not like this. And I am FUCKING SICK of feeling guilty and disgusting every time I go over 500kcal for the day. That's just NOT OKAY.

And sure there'll be people telling me "oh then diet healthily! You can do this this and this to lose weight in a healthy way!" But THESE PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

For me there is no grey. There is only black and white. There is only everything or nothing. Steely Determination OR a "fuck it all" attitude. I have no middle.

I have TRIED. I have been on a 12 week healthy eating NHS course. All it did was trigger me into severely restricting my intake again.

I KNOW how to diet and how to change my lifestyle. I KNOW what needs to be done but I can't seem to do it, no matter how hard I try.

I'm a skinny person stuck in a fat body and it hurts. I just need to be me and me is NOT obese! And the only way I seem to be able to lose weight is in the bad way of barely eating!!

I'm so tempted. I found my stash of plasters the other day and god I just want to start cutting again. I miss it. Maybe it's a nostalgia thing, because back when I was cutting daily, I was so in control and I was so skinny. I want to be back at that time again.

And what's really annoying is no matter how hard I try to recover (self-recover because no medical professional will give me help for an eating disorder because I'm fucking obese and not half dead), I relapse again because my brain will NOT let go of my "ideal weight"..... I have never reached my Ultimate Goal Weight and I'm obsessed with the number. I honestly feel that I will never be able to fully recover until I've reached that stupid and dangerous weight.

It's nearly my birthday. Why can't I just enjoy life? Why do I have to diet and starve myself? Why do I have to want to kill myself every time I eat what my twisted mind refers to as "too much"?

I will get to my UGW next year, I know it because I've planned it.

But why can't I just enjoy THIS year?

I'm so.
Fucking.
Tired of this bullcrap.

I don't know what to do...

Like seriously, I'm so conflicted.

Part of me wants to lose weight for my birthday, but the other part of me wants to quit dieting until AFTER my birthday...

Bingeing on pizza and ice cream today, but then I don't know whether to start restricting again starting tomorrow, in order to lose some weight for my birthday.

On the one hand, if I lose weight for my birthday, then worst case scenario is that on my 4 day birthday bonanza I'll only gain back what I lost.

On the other hand, I seem to be pretty steady with my weight, even when I binge I don't seem to gain much more than 1-2kg which is mostly food and water weight, and I'm pretty sure regardless of how much I eat I tend to plateau at 80kg, so if I did say no to dieting until after my birthday, then it's not like I would gain an extra 20kg, and I naturally have days where I don't eat much anyway, especially after bingeing.

But back onto the first hand, if I do diet up to my birthday, it'll prepare me not only for dieting AFTER, but will also prepare me for my crazy "The Year Of Bones" diet for 2018.

BUT back onto the OTHER hand, my birthday weekend will finish on the 17th September, so I'll have more than 3 months to get back on track before TYOB starts on 1st January.

....
Things would be so much easier if I had a friend to actually support me through this, like someone I could use to escape from dinners and such, someone who could help me figure this plan out, someone to be like "Don't binge, you know it'll only make you upset, have some fruit instead or some fruit tea!" Like, I know I'll never find a friend who will tell me NOT to eat, but it'd be real nice to have someone to stop me eating TOO MUCH, yknow? Someone not necessarily to tell me to starve, but someone to say "look, you're being dumb, you wanna eat everything right now but afterwards you're just gonna hate yourself" things like "you've lost x amount so far, don't mess it up now, have something healthy and don't order Dominos."

God if I could have that, someone who understands they can't force me to eat MORE, but who can make sure that the actual THINGS I'm eating are actually valid and sustainable things, and not pizza and ice cream or shit like that, someone to actually be like "I want you to eat more but I don't want you to binge and get upset, so just have something healthy or small"

Ugh I'm just kind of splurging brain juice out here, but that'd be cool, to have that someone. And omg it'd be even better to have a friend like "DUDE I know you're not eating more than x calories a day right now so I found this meal/recipe/snack/drink that's only x calories each/per serving/per 100ml/etc!!"

Cause lord knows I'm shit. I just find something and eat the same things over and over. Like when I was restricting before, I literally lived on rice cakes (29), crispbreads (19) and blueberries (2) because I knew all the calories and knew it wasn't much.

I don't cook at all, because I just don't know how to make something filling and yummy for less than like 200-300kcal, and all the super low cal recipes I DO find use crazy ingredients like Konjac Flour and american stuff.....

*sigh* Not sure what to do tomorrow.... continue to eat or restrict? I just don't know anymore.

Plans ft. A Brain Splurge

I have a plan, but I don't know how well it can work.

I plan to lose as much weight as possible before my birthday weekend this year, and then have 2-3 days of eating whatever I want (within reason; for example I can have whatever food I want, but I am not allowed to eat until I feel physically uncomfortable, which is what usually happens). I know I will gain, but I'm hoping that because I would have lost a significant amount, I'll only gain like 4 or 5 pounds over the weekend. Any more than that and it'll probably be food weight rather than actual weight.

After which, I will return to my restrictive eating, lose that small amount of excess weight, and continue to lose up until the end of the year.

At the end of the year, I will then be starting my Year Of Bones diet for 2018, and aim to reach my Ultimate Goal Weight of 70lb by the end of next year.

I don't know how well this will work, bingeing is always possible, but I'm not gonna let slip ups like that stop me.

I feel as though, once I've finally reached 70lb, I will finally be able to give up these behaviours and recover fully, because I would have finally achieved my goal.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to give them up now, but I know I would only return to these behaviours, again and again, until I reached my goal.

A friend recently found this blog and my ED/Mental Health alias, and I'm kind of glad they did in a way.... because it means someone is keeping an eye on me. I just hope they understand that they can't stop me, and the best thing for them to do is be supportive, and allow me to talk freely. Because that is what I need, I need friends who, like my mum, know they can't change my mind but who will be there when I need them, and who will be someone I can joke to, saying things like "well I'm not eating so at least the food bill's low!"

Humour is such a big help when it comes to mental health, so many people don't realise this. To be able to joke freely about one's problems is, in my opinion, one of the most relaxing and comforting things. To be able to joke to your friends about your curses and demons, and for them to laugh along with you, that is truly a thing to be savoured.

I am proud to say that, with the addition of this friend's discovery, I now think I have 3 people I can do this with. 3 people who will support and love me no matter what.

And that, my fellow humanoids, is a gift.

Improvements

I didn't lose my job, woo! Got a first written warning though, which means I have to be on my best behaviour for 12 months, and I'm not entitled to the yearly bonus but oh well.

Things are a lot better at home now that my stepdad is gone, mum seems to be managing okay for now, and I get to spend more time downstairs.

Still barely eating, had 13kcal in total yesterday!! And haven't had anything so far today. The day before I also barely had anything - think I had like 11kcal?

Still staying under 170lb which is great, I'm 163.2lb / 74kg at the moment.

I've got this app that was recommended by someone in my ED chat group, called "My Weight" and it's super cool! You set your goal and it measures your progress, as well as telling you how many calories per day you can eat maximum in order to reach your goal by your designated time. I've still got just under 100lb to lose to get there, but I've set my goal date for the end of 2018, so plenty of time!

Hopefully seeing an old friend today which'll be good, then working tomorrow, then I have the weekend off, which should be good.

So yeah, that's just an update of what's happening.

Things Aren't Okay

1. Lost a close friend of 10 years
2. Parents are splitting up
3. Stepdad moved out
4. Might lose my job

at least all of these things mean I don't feel like eating....

Haven't eaten proper solid food in almost 10 days, so that's somewhat good I guess.

Change of Plans

My ma is gonna tell my stepdad to leave.... Money will be tight, and my ma will not have her partner of 17 years.

Because of this, I have made the decision to cancel my ABC diet attempt and raise my usual daily limit of 500kcal to 1000kcal, so as to still lose weight, but not risk getting ill and causing my mother even more stress and worry.

She doesn't deserve this.

Confessions

I told my ma I'm on a diet.

So, now she knows. But I mean she's known for a while now.

I had to tell her. Anything so as not to eat that lasagne...