Saturday, 26th December, 2015

Weight: 133lb

Unsurprisingly, I gained weight over Christmas. However for these next six days I will be doing the rainbow diet.

However, instead of fasting on the third day, I will skip to the next day then fast after all days are finished.

I have just eaten my half apple breakfast, and have wrapped up the other half ready for lunch later. I'm working today so I'll be getting some exercise, and if the weather's good I'll be walking home (about an hour's walk) instead of getting a lift.

Let's see how this goes, eh?

Wednesday, 23rd December, 2015

8 days to go.... 8 days until The Year Of Bones...

I'm literally losing the will to live. I need TYOB to arrive as soon as possible, I need that focus, that weight loss, that motivation. 

Sorry I haven't been blogging much, I've just literally been trying to keep myself alive up to now, and it's been really difficult.

I'll try to blog more. Come New Years, I'll be blogging daily haha so don't worry.

Wednesday, 16th, 3am

No, I'm not gonna sit here and say "I'm gonna kill myself" I just... 

I barely sleep anymore, I haven't for a while. Nor do I eat properly. I'm either in bed or at work, there is no in between. At work I feel like I can stay cheerful and happy and I almost manage to trick myself into feeling like things are okay.

But even at work now, my one escape from reality, I just feel... Idk.

Everything feels meaningless. I can't hold a conversation with someone so much so that one of the only 3 people who occasionally socialises with me told me to sod off cause I keep using one word replies... I don't know what to say. I don't even feel like trying anymore.

It's not that I want to die, no. I'm not suicidal okay so don't panic, nobody needs that kind of shit on here or anywhere else. 

I just don't want to exist. I don't want to BE, yknow?

Idk why I made this, just.... What's the point? I try so hard to be happy and upbeat but really what's the point? I'm not even alive. At least I don't feel like I am. I don't feel like I'm living.

Everything feels like a dream and I want to wake up.

Sorry.

About clogging up the Internet

With this

I just

Idk

Monday, 14th December, 2015

Weight: 126

So I did gain a pound from yesterday, but then again I ate like a normal person rather than weaning my way back to food from fasting.

I feel sick though, so I think I won't eat today and I'll only have a little of dinner.

I'm desperate to stay out of 130s now..

Sunday, 13th December, 2015

Weight: 124

So I decided to break my fast last night as I was feeling extremely sick. I still managed to lose weight though so that's good.

I can't wait for the new year to start, it's going to be perfect.

Friday, 11th December, 2015

Weight: FUCKING 127

Taking: Fat Metaboliser, African Mango w/ Green Tea, Ginseng Root, Calcium, Raspberry Ketones w/ Caffeine + Vit K2

HOLY SHIT.

I LOST 6 FUCKING POUNDS IN ONE FUCKING DAY OH MY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST.

*feverishly takes more diet pills*

I'm going to be so skinny for Christmas.

Thursday, 10th December, 2015

Weight: 133

Taking: Fat Metaboliser, African Mango w/ Green Tea, Ginseng Root, Calcium, Raspberry Ketones w/ Caffeine + Vit K2

Started taking my diuretics today. The calcium tablets are they chewable ones. They're disgusting.

Am aiming to fast until Christmas now, so hopefully I can lost at least a stone and a half by then, that'll bring me back down to 112lb (8st) then it's just one more stone til I'm back within a healthy BMI. 

I might try and swallow the calcium one whole next time...

Later . . . 

Well today was interesting.

I don't know whether it was the diet pills or a combination of those and my prescribed meds, but I was violently shaking this entire morning... I had to buy an extra litre bottle and am now home and starting my 5th litre today!!!

I feel like I've lost weight but we'll find out tomorrow morning.

Day one of my two week fast is complete!

Wednesday, 9th December, 2015

I haven't been blogging as frequently. I'm going through some shit right now. I've started a fast that I don't intend to end until Christmas. That's two weeks. 

Everything hurts right now. On the inside I mean.

I'm losing the will to keep going to be honest. It's exhausting.

Monday, 7th December, 2015

Weight: 131

Not surprising. I binged again last night and tried to purge. I say tried because I didn't manage to, which is why I gained.

Purging 3 nights in a row is exhausting. I think I'm gonna keep it just for when I do eat.

Gonna try to fast again now. The first 3 days, I'll allow myself a glass of milk in the evenings, then starting on the tenth I want to do a full 2-week water fast. It's my last chance before the end of the year.

I must do this. No wonder he doesn't want me back, I'm so disgusting and fat.

Sunday, 6th December, 2015

Weight: 129

I hate life. Fuck life. Fuck it all. Fuck it with a ten foot barge pole right in the ass.

I want to purge my heart out.

I fucking miss him.

Saturday, 5th December, 2015

Weight: 128

Oh my god I lost a pound....?! But I binged! Granted I purged it bu- hang on. 

I purged.

I lost weight.

Oh my god why did I stop doing this!

I can't sing anyway, so damaging my throat isn't something I should care about anymore. Awesome.

I'll only do it when I eat though.

God.... My dinner with RG on Monday was terrible.... I didn't order a thing and it was so awkward....

Next time I'll order something and just go purge it afterwards! Perfect.

Later . . .

Had to drink my 5hr Energy (4) because I was literally falling asleep at work - I only got 1 3/4 hrs of sleep last night. That's bad even for me, I usually get about 3-4hrs on average so under 2 is really bad.

However I've already reached 30mins of walking and it's only 11:30am so I'm on the right track!

Later . . .

Binged and purged again.

It's exhausting.

Friday, 4th December, 2015

Weight: 129

Finally below 130! Water fast yesterday, and again today. I'm gonna try to go as long as I possibly can, because I need to lose this fucking weight I'm a fat piece of shit and I hate it.

Aiming for 3ltrs of water again today, I managed it yesterday so it's possible.

I don't need luck, I need willpower.

Later . . .

Almost finished my 2nd litre and it's 1:10pm, so I'm doing well!!

Smelt some shortbread - I like to smell food because it's like eating it but without the calories.

Other than that, doing great, holding steady.

My parents are going away this weekend, until Monday, which means I can easily escape dinners and fast for the whole weekend! :D

Things are looking up.

Later . . . 

I feel like I can't eat when people are around. Then, when I'm home alone, that's the only time I feel I can enjoy food.

So I enjoyed some food. Dominos to be exact; large, with garlic bread and ice cream.

I'm lactose and gluten intolerant. It wasn't fun.

Just got back from the bathroom now. It's been such a long time since I purged, but I seem to be better at it than ever. I used to only get a little up but this time I'm pretty sure I got most of it, as I started to taste acid in my mouth.

My tummy feels more empty now. And my favourite takeaway wasn't as appealing or as enjoyable as I remembered.

I think I'm just going to continue fasting, and just purge whatever I do eat.

It feels better being empty.