Sunday, 29th November, 2015

Weight: 133lb

My metabolism seems completely fucked up. Water fasting does nothing for me right now, so today I'm doing a chocolate mono.

To maximise weight loss I have eaten all my chocolate this morning and I will fast for the remainder of the day. I did a chocolate mono before and lost 3lb at Easter by doing this, so I'm confident that it will work.

After that, apart from a small salad tomorrow for dinner I intend to liquid fast until Christmas/New Years. Depends whether I can get away with skipping Christmas dinner or not.

I will water fast for as long as possible, with 5hr Energy Drinks (4) as a boost if needed, and 200ml lactose free milk (80) as a strength booster. If I have to eat at any point it will be one of my instant soup sachets, which are all under 70.

I may also start having a mocha in the mornings if necessary (91) though I will try to avoid doing that.

Later . . .

Can I please just starve to death.

Thanks.

K bye.

Saturday, 28th November, 2015

Weight: 131lb

Didn't eat at all yesterday. Pure water fast. I'll do the same again today.

Annoyed that I didn't lose any weight, though the other day I did binge so that's understandable.

I'm going out for dinner with my colleague on Monday. I'm going to order a side salad, no dressing (17) and drink only water. I will be skinny.

No.

I will be bony.

That's what I want.

Skeletal.

That's my dream.

Light as a feather.

Thin as a rake.

I used to fast for weeks on end before stupid self recovery. I'm gonna get back to how I used to be - I was so light compared to now...

Thursday, 26th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

It's just as well I don't know, yesterday was horrible.

Water fasting today and hopefully for as long as possible. I've bought two extra litre bottles, so I'm gonna try and choke down 3 litres today. That should get the water weight from all the food off, and it'll help my skin too.

All this water, I feel kinda sick... But that's because I'm so bad at my hydration. I literally never drink water, or drinks in general actually. No wonder I keep eating. Half the time "hunger" is actually thirst!

Let's change that. I started at midnight, so almost 9hrs in so far. 

I can do this.

Later . . .

14hrs down.. And 2 litres down! I'm way ahead of schedule, I was meant to finish the 2nd litre by 4pm, I'm already on my third! Maybe I could squeeze in a fourth after work?

I feel so full. This is why I'm so fat. I don't drink enough water. All this weight is probably just water weight from the past half a year! Because I've literally not been drinking enough for that long.

My brother and his current girlfriend are coming over for dinner. I'm not going to join them. If I have to, I'll make some low calorie soup from my collection of instant sachets.

Please don't make me have dinner....

Wait.

Who am I kidding.

Nobody can make me eat.

My body my rules.

Later . . .

For fuck sake get your shit together.... No more fucking around this is bullshit I am a human being I have my own fucking willpower I am not a mindless calorie munching machine I have a fucking brain I choose what I do and I choose not to binge anymore it is disgusting and disgraceful.

Wednesday, 25th November, 2015

Weight: 129lb

So yeah I haven't posted today, and that weight was from this morning. I fucked up bad.

I've been filling my PC with bonespo, and I've told my ma I'm not gonna eat for a week. I'm serious. 

Ugh I want to be skin and bone.

I can't wait for New Years.

Tuesday, 24th November, 2015

Weight: 130lb

Ugh I hate being in triple figures...

But I intend to fast today. Fully fast, no dinner. Hopefully that'll help.

Seeing W today... It's been so long.

Shit! I need to wrap his birthday present! 

Later . . . 

We went to the tattoo parlour, where W got the tattoo I helped design. 

While he was getting it done, the guy who did my one a year ago came up and asked if we were together.

W: not anymore.

Guy: ooooh dear!

Me: it's okay we're still friends.

Guy: that's good. So who dumped who?

(We laugh)

Me: I regretfully left him because I was going through a bad time.

Guy: Regretfully? (To W) come on then, what can she do to get you to have her back? They don't call me Cupid for nothing!

Me: He has a girlfriend so sadly I don't have a chance...

Guy: Wait wait wait... So you (pointing at W) have a girlfriend, and you're here with her (pointing at me)? I'm sorry but you look perfect for each other, just saying.

I FUCKING KNOW! That's what I've been telling people!!! Thank you, tattoo guy!

Anyway, we went back to his, I said no to brownie bites, and then after a while he drove me home.

Overall a good day.

Monday, 23rd November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

Ma got me to help her weigh in this morning. 12st said the scales.

I would kill myself before I reached double figures in stone....

But if my ma's dieting, it means low calorie dinners. Like tonight, calorie-counted risotto - under 500kcal per portion. Though, after dinner today, I am planning on going as long as I can before eating again.

I gotta lose this weight. I gotta break the bingeing habit.

I will do this.

Later . . .

Had a snack pack of beef jerky (72) after work, and dinner will be chicken and mushroom risotto (328) so 400 on the dot today.

Hopefully I'll have lost when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

Sunday, 22nd November, 2015

Weight: 132lb

I'm not surprised I gained. I binged. Again. Pizza and ice cream... I'm gluten and lactose intolerant for christs sake!!! Why do I do this to myself?

Anyway, skipping roast chicken tonight, going to have cooked veg only, keep the calories low. I want to try and get back into minimal eating and full water fasting. At the moment I fast then binge, it's a horrible cycle.

I can't wait to live on my own. I'll measure everything out into small portions in ziplock bags in the fridge, then everything will be easy to calculate. If I lived alone I could choose not to buy junk, or even just food in general! 

But I can't afford to right now. I don't have the money.

I get about £800 a month. If we assume renting a place will be £325 a month, that leaves £475 left. £100 for utilities, which leaves £375, £180 for broadband and phone line, leaving £195, TV license is around £80, leaving £115, water and sewage costs around £200, leaving -£85, then I have my personal costs such as my manicure (£30), Netflix (£8), gym membership (£40), which then leaves -£163 for food and clothes..... So I'm screwed.

Until I can earn more, or find a partner who I can actually get to stay by me, I'm stuck in a house with too much food, parents who guilt trip and get in the way, and no organisation.

UGH. Why is living so expensive?!

Saturday, 21st November, 2015

Weight: 131lb

Still way too heavy... 

I feel so cold, it's horrible. I'm going to wear both my work fleeces today in the hopes that that will work.

I feel sick.

Later . . .

I'm so fucking cold. Fasted all day again, only gonna have a few chicken strips for dinner.

Friday, 20th November, 2015

Weight: 133lb

I met someone beautiful.

Well, I say met. I met her in the chatroom a day or so ago. I got to know her today. She's lovely.

I wish we could believe each other when we say we don't need to be the weights we fantasise about, and I wish I could help her even more. She made me feel like someone was genuinely worried, even with me being as fat as I am now, which kind of... It made me a little emotional. That someone worried and cared even though I weigh more than I ever have...

Sadly though, I have to continue. For the sake of my sanity.

We all have our vices I guess.

I miss getting drunk.

Thursday, 19th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

I'm gonna try to fast for the rest of the month. I ate a KFC today. It was disgusting. I don't know why I did it.

Sunday, 15th November, 2015

Weight: 131lb

Going down.... RG now knows everything. But in a way, people knowing about it makes me more determined. As if them looking at me and thinking that I'm not eating empowers me to prove them right.

Mum keeps buying lactose free stuff.... Chocolate milk is to arrive today... I feel okay with the normal milk but I'm gonna have to double check the calorie contents of the chocolate one... Ugh.

Having a small glass of milk and a small yogurt for breakfast. That way if RG bugs me about food I can get him off my back, plus I just checked and 200ml is 80, and the yogurt is 85, so it's not bad at all.

Later . . .

Felt a little sick, so ate some popcorn.

Don't feel so sick anymore. 

Saturday, 14th November, 2015

Weight: 133lb

Ugh... Dinner again last night.

I don't want to be this fat anymore...

I miss seeing my bones...

Friday, 13th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

My stepdad was home from work today... I couldn't weigh myself. In a way that's good because my mother got me to eat dinner yesterday... It was mainly protein so I guess that's okay, but I felt sick. It was also spicy so hopefully my metabolism took care of most of it.

My mother keeps buying me lactose free stuff... I wish she would stop. I feel guilty and like I have to consume all of it asap in case it goes off and is wasted.

She made me homemade lactose free ice cream for fucks sake!!!!

Thankfully, ice cream keeps for ever, and the milk is my "safe food", so I guess I'll manage.

On the bus... It smells like peanut butter.... Ugh I can almost taste the fat.

It's disgusting.

RG texted me last night: What did you have for dinner?

I didn't reply.

Thursday, 12th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

I'll be able to weigh myself tomorrow morning, as I start work a little later. I doubt I've lost much.

I've just... Last night, I just lost hope. Me and W will never be together again, I let him go and that was my wrongdoing. He's happy with someone else now and he probably doesn't even give a second thought to me. He says he still cares but....

I just don't want to do anything anymore. Eat, sleep, work... My heart feels sick.

Guess that's one way to diet.

Later . . . 

Did someone tell my boss?!

I was having stomach pains, and he asked what was wrong. I explained I'm not meant to get those kinds of pains anymore, and he asked if I was eating properly. 

Boss: I dunno haha I know you're dieting and I just see you taking it to the extreme.

......... Gotta keep it covered.

Wednesday, 11th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

So yesterday was a complete failure. But I've made my decision now so starting from now, it's minimal. I'm allowed one bite of other people's treats but no more, and I'm not allowed my own treats. No full meals either, only an occasional glass of milk or small healthy snack if needed.

I will do this. I have just over a month.

Later . . .

We went out for dinner. I ordered a mixed salad to start, but I didn't say "without dressing" so I only managed to choke down a few mouthfuls. For main, I had a children's ham, egg and chips. I couldn't eat many of the chips. I hate carbs.

Dessert, I skipped that part of course, though I allowed myself a bite of my mother's waffle. It was good, but I didn't need more than one bite, that was good enough.

Back to minimal.

Tuesday, 10th November, 2015

Weight: 130lb

So I've lost about 5 pounds. It's not enough. I hate being over 7 stone I can't believe I let myself get like this...

It's my day off today. Of course I'm not gonna eat. I'm meeting up with a friend in the afternoon so I might allow myself one drink of sorts, but that'll be it.

W still hasn't replied as to meeting up... He's got free evenings for two weeks and I told him to let me know.... 

Does he even want to see me? I doubt it.

He was the only one who made me feel beautiful...

Later . . .

I binged. A cheesy bread roll, two thin caramel chocolate bars, four packs of crisps... I feel sick. But at least it wasn't a major binge, so maybe it's recoverable if I focus for the rest of today.

I'm disgusting.

Monday, 9th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

I'll have a chance to weigh myself properly tomorrow.

I did eat dinner yesterday - roast beef, veg and potatoes - but that'll boost my metabolism.

I've decided I'll keep to minimal eating, but allow myself one or two bites of things I like/crave, that way it should prevent any breakdowns and binges while still losing weight.

I feel so tired and cold...

Later . . .

I got a notification from my pizza ordering app - loads of offers, buy one get one for £1, free sides with a large pizza.... - and I was kinda fantasising about them at the front desk, when my colleague came up to me and said: Aren't you on a diet?

Me: Yeah but pizza...

LE: You're on a diet, don't do this to yourself.

He's right. I'm on a diet. I'm on a diet.

I'm on a diet. I'm on a diet. I'm on a diet.

My body doesn't know it's Christmas. It doesn't just stop turning calories into pounds. Who am I kidding.

I want to be skinny for Christmas.

Later . . .

LE: Okay one of you two needs to go on lunch.

Me: Go on, you go

EB: You sure? You started earlier?

Me: No go on its fine

RG: She won't eat.

Way to keep it hush hush. So great my whole workplace is gonna know I don't eat.... Guess that gives me more reason to prove them right.

Later . . .

Fate is telling me not to eat.

I had the urge to go buy junk after work today so I was heading to the shop, when I bumped into a friend, so I spoke to him, then he had to go to the bathroom so asked me to hold his stuff. I stood there awkwardly, and by the time he got back my bus had arrived, so I had to run!

Fate is telling me to keep going.

It's a sign.

Sunday, 8th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

I'm so tired. I'm using Lactose Free milk as my safe food at the moment because it doesn't make me feel sick, it's filling and it's not majorly high in calories. Also there's such a thing as the Milk Diet so it can't be all bad.

Feel really sick this morning so had a glass of milk, was also feeling weak last night, I was about to go eat!!! So I had some milk then too and it helped.

Off to work now..

Later . . .

Well, now two colleagues know I don't eat. LE walked in and saw me sitting out back: What you doing?

Me: It's my lunch break.

LE: Yeah, but what you doing?

Me: Having my lunch break.

LE: Are you not gonna eat?

Me: I'm not hungry.

LE: Yeah but does that mean you aren't gonna eat anything?

Me: I'm just not hungry.

LE: But does that mean you're not eating?

Me: Look, I don't want lunch okay?

LE: Okay.... You know it's unhealthy right?

Me: Psh yeah, not like that hadn't been said to me before.

LE: Yet you're sitting there with no lunch, so it needs to be said again, and again, and again.... (Leaves). 

Hurrah. And he's basically the assistant manager so what if he tells my boss? I mean my boss knows I have issues, he knows about my depression and aspergers and stuff but this is something that risks my health so what if he fires me for it? I'll lose the best job I've ever had, I'll lose being part of an amazing team....

But I'm so fucking fat.....

Later . . . 

I want to be healed... As in I want this demon inside me to stop restricting me so much... I want to live my life and enjoy it, I've only got one..

I mean.... Maybe I shouldn't be starting this stuff so close to Christmas..

Saturday, 7th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

So I didn't weigh myself this morning, too tired, but I haven't eaten anything substantial since Wednesday so that's good.

Didn't have to use my 5hr yesterday but got it on me just in case today.

I told RG about my eating issues.... He's a colleague at work. He was quite quiet this morning.

I hope he doesn't change how he treats me... I hate that.

Later . . . 

Sometimes I feel like I just wanna live my life.

And other times I just wanna fucking starve.

Friday, 6th November, 2015

Weight: 135lb

Disgusting I know. I went to America and came back so fat. I'm dieting again now. At last.

Breakfast this morning was a small glass of lactofree milk. I'm lactose intolerant now so that cuts out a lot of foods for me, which is good. Yesterday I had a 5hr Energy (4kcal), which lasted me most of the day. I did succumb to a free piece of chocolate during my lunch break, but it was only a small taster piece so I'm letting it slide. Dinner yesterday was a portion of my milk again. 

Chicken and salad for dinner tonight mum says. No way, I'm skipping that.

I will be pretty again. I will. I remember when I was 84lb, I took it for granted back then. Not anymore, I've seen how fat I can become when I lose sight of my goals and I hate it.

I used to love myself. Now he's gone and all I see is the flaws he helped me to ignore.

Later . . . 

Doing well - haven't eaten a single morsel today, and I've saved my 5hr so I can have a boost at lunch if I need it.

Really proud, and I have an excuse to skip dinner!! Meeting up with an old friend after work today.

Things are looking good so far, haven't eaten anything substantial since Wednesday.

Lunchtime now in fact, it's so boring. Nothing to do! I feel okay so I won't have my 5hr yet.

I'll have a small soya milk hot chocolate tonight. I know it's unhealthy but I'm meeting up with an old friend who knows about this stuff so I don't want her to worry. I haven't spoken to her in ages, I don't want the first time we speak to be about me trying to diet again..