The title says it all really.
I feel so fucking dead inside.
Nothing is enjoyable.
My laughs are empty.
My smiles are so fake.
I feel like I'm going to break down.
But I'm not.
Not yet anyway.
I can't stop eating.
And of course what I eat is crap.
I've eaten so much crap that the entire inside of my mouth hurts.
It feels rough and damaged.
Used too much.
And I'm pretty sure I have Rumination Syndrome.
Which, when you research it,
Is fucking disgusting.
I feel sick from eating too much.
All the time.
And I want to stop.
Hell, I want to starve and die.
But I don't seem able to.
I just keep eating.
And then re-eating...
I don't want to sleep.
But I've been late to work twice this week.
It can't happen again.
I feel constantly tired.
But constantly awake.
I've been looking for jobs.
And Apprenticeships.
Scrolling through page after page.
But I don't even know what I'm looking for.
The websites say "What industry are you interested in?"
And I read all the options.
And my brain, for every option, says "No, we can't do that."
Office work is a no, I would go insane.
Retail I can do, but always end up leaving after a year,
For some reason or another (not always my choice..).
I love to count things, but where is a job that does that?
I couldn't be a receptionist or assistant,
They have to remember 100 things at once,
And make sure they write everything down.
(I'm awful at that...)
Working with children has been suggested,
But I can only deal with kids in short bursts.
They make me so fucking tired,
So fucking quickly.
And the crying/screaming/yelling...
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
What about night shifts?
Can't get home.
What about animal care?
No qualifications.
Plus the excrement makes me feel ill....
Not to mention other fluids
Which for all intents and purposes
Should remain INSIDE the animal.
(And don't always)
IT work?
Again, no experience.
And with this one, everywhere I've looked
Says "Must have 1-2 years experience in this exact job"
So that definitely helps.
Also customers tend to be extremely negative
When it comes to tech....
Which is the very reason I stopped working
With selling Apple products.
I have my Doctor's appointment on Tuesday.
I have a few things to tell him.
> Feeling Suicidal (again)
> Rumination Syndrome (will be mentioning this for the second time. He merely "mhmm"ed last time)
> No shark attack for 2 months
> Continuous binge eating
> Stress regarding work
> I have no future in life
I feel as though I need a therapist.
Just to talk things out with.
Professionally, I mean.
But the only way I can get that
Without it costing me £50 an hour
Is with my doctor's referral.
And he just "mhmm"s everything I say....
But I don't want another doctor.
That would involve getting used to someone new,
And beginning all over again,
And I'm already gonna have to do that with my job.
I'm too pussy to kill myself
But I really want to.
I just don't want to be here.
Or, failing that,
I want something bad to happen
So I have an excuse for being this sad.
Or so that I end up in hospital
And I can just get the fuck away
From this unending madness
And just not have to care about anything
And have people looking after me
So that I no longer have to try
(and fail)
To look after myself.
I'm just a special fucking snowflake.
