I don't know what to do...

Like seriously, I'm so conflicted.

Part of me wants to lose weight for my birthday, but the other part of me wants to quit dieting until AFTER my birthday...

Bingeing on pizza and ice cream today, but then I don't know whether to start restricting again starting tomorrow, in order to lose some weight for my birthday.

On the one hand, if I lose weight for my birthday, then worst case scenario is that on my 4 day birthday bonanza I'll only gain back what I lost.

On the other hand, I seem to be pretty steady with my weight, even when I binge I don't seem to gain much more than 1-2kg which is mostly food and water weight, and I'm pretty sure regardless of how much I eat I tend to plateau at 80kg, so if I did say no to dieting until after my birthday, then it's not like I would gain an extra 20kg, and I naturally have days where I don't eat much anyway, especially after bingeing.

But back onto the first hand, if I do diet up to my birthday, it'll prepare me not only for dieting AFTER, but will also prepare me for my crazy "The Year Of Bones" diet for 2018.

BUT back onto the OTHER hand, my birthday weekend will finish on the 17th September, so I'll have more than 3 months to get back on track before TYOB starts on 1st January.

....
Things would be so much easier if I had a friend to actually support me through this, like someone I could use to escape from dinners and such, someone who could help me figure this plan out, someone to be like "Don't binge, you know it'll only make you upset, have some fruit instead or some fruit tea!" Like, I know I'll never find a friend who will tell me NOT to eat, but it'd be real nice to have someone to stop me eating TOO MUCH, yknow? Someone not necessarily to tell me to starve, but someone to say "look, you're being dumb, you wanna eat everything right now but afterwards you're just gonna hate yourself" things like "you've lost x amount so far, don't mess it up now, have something healthy and don't order Dominos."

God if I could have that, someone who understands they can't force me to eat MORE, but who can make sure that the actual THINGS I'm eating are actually valid and sustainable things, and not pizza and ice cream or shit like that, someone to actually be like "I want you to eat more but I don't want you to binge and get upset, so just have something healthy or small"

Ugh I'm just kind of splurging brain juice out here, but that'd be cool, to have that someone. And omg it'd be even better to have a friend like "DUDE I know you're not eating more than x calories a day right now so I found this meal/recipe/snack/drink that's only x calories each/per serving/per 100ml/etc!!"

Cause lord knows I'm shit. I just find something and eat the same things over and over. Like when I was restricting before, I literally lived on rice cakes (29), crispbreads (19) and blueberries (2) because I knew all the calories and knew it wasn't much.

I don't cook at all, because I just don't know how to make something filling and yummy for less than like 200-300kcal, and all the super low cal recipes I DO find use crazy ingredients like Konjac Flour and american stuff.....

*sigh* Not sure what to do tomorrow.... continue to eat or restrict? I just don't know anymore.

Plans ft. A Brain Splurge

I have a plan, but I don't know how well it can work.

I plan to lose as much weight as possible before my birthday weekend this year, and then have 2-3 days of eating whatever I want (within reason; for example I can have whatever food I want, but I am not allowed to eat until I feel physically uncomfortable, which is what usually happens). I know I will gain, but I'm hoping that because I would have lost a significant amount, I'll only gain like 4 or 5 pounds over the weekend. Any more than that and it'll probably be food weight rather than actual weight.

After which, I will return to my restrictive eating, lose that small amount of excess weight, and continue to lose up until the end of the year.

At the end of the year, I will then be starting my Year Of Bones diet for 2018, and aim to reach my Ultimate Goal Weight of 70lb by the end of next year.

I don't know how well this will work, bingeing is always possible, but I'm not gonna let slip ups like that stop me.

I feel as though, once I've finally reached 70lb, I will finally be able to give up these behaviours and recover fully, because I would have finally achieved my goal.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to give them up now, but I know I would only return to these behaviours, again and again, until I reached my goal.

A friend recently found this blog and my ED/Mental Health alias, and I'm kind of glad they did in a way.... because it means someone is keeping an eye on me. I just hope they understand that they can't stop me, and the best thing for them to do is be supportive, and allow me to talk freely. Because that is what I need, I need friends who, like my mum, know they can't change my mind but who will be there when I need them, and who will be someone I can joke to, saying things like "well I'm not eating so at least the food bill's low!"

Humour is such a big help when it comes to mental health, so many people don't realise this. To be able to joke freely about one's problems is, in my opinion, one of the most relaxing and comforting things. To be able to joke to your friends about your curses and demons, and for them to laugh along with you, that is truly a thing to be savoured.

I am proud to say that, with the addition of this friend's discovery, I now think I have 3 people I can do this with. 3 people who will support and love me no matter what.

And that, my fellow humanoids, is a gift.

Improvements

I didn't lose my job, woo! Got a first written warning though, which means I have to be on my best behaviour for 12 months, and I'm not entitled to the yearly bonus but oh well.

Things are a lot better at home now that my stepdad is gone, mum seems to be managing okay for now, and I get to spend more time downstairs.

Still barely eating, had 13kcal in total yesterday!! And haven't had anything so far today. The day before I also barely had anything - think I had like 11kcal?

Still staying under 170lb which is great, I'm 163.2lb / 74kg at the moment.

I've got this app that was recommended by someone in my ED chat group, called "My Weight" and it's super cool! You set your goal and it measures your progress, as well as telling you how many calories per day you can eat maximum in order to reach your goal by your designated time. I've still got just under 100lb to lose to get there, but I've set my goal date for the end of 2018, so plenty of time!

Hopefully seeing an old friend today which'll be good, then working tomorrow, then I have the weekend off, which should be good.

So yeah, that's just an update of what's happening.

Things Aren't Okay

1. Lost a close friend of 10 years
2. Parents are splitting up
3. Stepdad moved out
4. Might lose my job

at least all of these things mean I don't feel like eating....

Haven't eaten proper solid food in almost 10 days, so that's somewhat good I guess.