Heartfelt Desires - TRIGGER WARNING QUITE GRAPHIC

A poem by me....

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I want to die
Drink bleach until I cry
Eat tide pods til my insides fry

I want to die
Cut wrists and bleed out dry
Jump off a bridge and try but fail to fly

Why do I feel so down
Why do I feel so blue
What is the meaning of
All this shit I’m going through

What is there to live for
What is the point of this
I have no future left
No fucking reason to exist

I want to die
Let out a weary sigh
You think I’m happy well hey, I lied

I want to die
Round my neck I’ll tie
A piece of rope and breathe my last goodbye

Why do I feel so shit
What the fuck is this for
I want to fucking die
Collapse, fall to the floor

I said I’ve had enough
Don’t care if darkness won
Just let me have the balls
To do what needs to be done

I want to die.

I don't want to be here

The title says it all really.
I feel so fucking dead inside.
Nothing is enjoyable.
My laughs are empty.
My smiles are so fake.
I feel like I'm going to break down.
But I'm not.
Not yet anyway.

I can't stop eating.
And of course what I eat is crap.
I've eaten so much crap that the entire inside of my mouth hurts.
It feels rough and damaged.
Used too much.
And I'm pretty sure I have Rumination Syndrome.
Which, when you research it,
Is fucking disgusting.

I feel sick from eating too much.
All the time.
And I want to stop.
Hell, I want to starve and die.
But I don't seem able to.
I just keep eating.
And then re-eating...

I don't want to sleep.
But I've been late to work twice this week.
It can't happen again.
I feel constantly tired.
But constantly awake.

I've been looking for jobs.
And Apprenticeships.
Scrolling through page after page.
But I don't even know what I'm looking for.
The websites say "What industry are you interested in?"
And I read all the options.
And my brain, for every option, says "No, we can't do that."

Office work is a no, I would go insane.

Retail I can do, but always end up leaving after a year,
For some reason or another (not always my choice..).

I love to count things, but where is a job that does that?

I couldn't be a receptionist or assistant,
They have to remember 100 things at once,
And make sure they write everything down.
(I'm awful at that...)

Working with children has been suggested,
But I can only deal with kids in short bursts.
They make me so fucking tired,
So fucking quickly.
And the crying/screaming/yelling...
SHUT THE FUCK UP.

What about night shifts?
Can't get home.

What about animal care?
No qualifications.
Plus the excrement makes me feel ill....
Not to mention other fluids
Which for all intents and purposes
Should remain INSIDE the animal.
(And don't always)

IT work?
Again, no experience.
And with this one, everywhere I've looked
Says "Must have 1-2 years experience in this exact job"
So that definitely helps.
Also customers tend to be extremely negative
When it comes to tech....
Which is the very reason I stopped working
With selling Apple products.

I have my Doctor's appointment on Tuesday.
I have a few things to tell him.
> Feeling Suicidal (again)
> Rumination Syndrome (will be mentioning this for the second time. He merely "mhmm"ed last time)
> No shark attack for 2 months
> Continuous binge eating
> Stress regarding work
> I have no future in life

I feel as though I need a therapist.
Just to talk things out with.
Professionally, I mean.
But the only way I can get that
Without it costing me £50 an hour
Is with my doctor's referral.

And he just "mhmm"s everything I say....

But I don't want another doctor.
That would involve getting used to someone new,
And beginning all over again,
And I'm already gonna have to do that with my job.

I'm too pussy to kill myself
But I really want to.
I just don't want to be here.
Or, failing that,
I want something bad to happen
So I have an excuse for being this sad.
Or so that I end up in hospital
And I can just get the fuck away
From this unending madness
And just not have to care about anything
And have people looking after me
So that I no longer have to try
(and fail)
To look after myself.

I'm just a special fucking snowflake.

Jan 19th 2018 - TYOB Day #19

Weight: Don't know

So things have been kind of up and down, I might potentially lose my job due to the way my brain works and processes things, I've binged a total of 6 times so far this year, I feel completely lost and displaced in both my life and my physical body, and the food I've been eating has been utter shit.

Hopefully my diet can still succeed though, as a friend is going to be helping me now! She's amazing, she's going to help me cut down on fat, refined sugar, processed chemicals etc, which will hopefully curb the binge urge, PLUS it'll mean that the calories I'm eating are actually USEFUL calories!

We're going to create a Weekly Meal Plan that I'll use for every week, where Mondays will all be the same plan, Tuesdays will all be the same etc etc, making each day on day different, but creating a routine I can get settled in.

Saturdays will be my Shop & Prep days, where I will buy what I need for the week, and prepare my meals in advance for the week ahead.

With luck, the weight will start to fall right off me :)

Jan 5th 2018 - TYOB Day #5

Weight: (as of 3rd Jan) 143.3

11:40am
So I’ve been super shitty with my accountability on here.

Basically, days 1 and 2 went fine, i fasted, day 3 went fine, 846kcal total, and then i binged day 4.

Today is going well though, I’m looking to be dead on 750kcal today if all goes well, and I’ll probably go on my bike tonight or tomorrow to make up a little for the bingeing yesterday.

This morning’s breakfast consisted of 4 Rice Cakes (108), which I skipped yesterday, and I think that’s what caused the binge.

Jan 1st 2018 - TYOB Day 1

Weight: 151.1lb

4pm
I feel super shit today. The urge to binge is so strong, and depression is really bad today. However, it’s already 4pm and I haven’t eaten anything, so the fast is going well at least.

I’m stocked up on water, Pepsi Max, Sprite Zero and sparkling water, and I’m just drinking as much as possible.

And so it begins...