Friday, 22nd January, 2016

Failed yesterday, but only just. Limit was 500, I think I hit nearer 550 maybe? Ah well. Still a fail, but at least it wasn't a full out binge.

Breakfast:
Special K Cereal Bar Red Berries (84)
Special K Biscuit Moments (98)
Total: 182

It's okay though (hopefully), because I feel more in control. The only thing I need to do is focus tomorrow, on my day off. It's always on my days off that I binge, so I want to try and make tomorrow the start of a new habit, a better habit, of not bingeing.

Fingers crossed.

Not much time later . . .
Well fuck.
Today's a fail.
Screw it all.

I need to sort myself out before I can get back on track... I'm not okay.

Where Do I Belong?

I've never really fitted in to anywhere before... And now I'm starting to think maybe there's nowhere for me. I'm on my final warning at work because it's the nth time my boss has had to take me aside and "have a chat" about stuff, so I don't know how long I can keep going before I fuck up again, and besides I don't seem to keep jobs or relationships for more than half a year...

I just constantly feel like I don't belong. And then I'm left wondering where I should be. Should I be here, in this job, in this life? If not, where should I be?

So often it feels like someone abandoned this impossible life, and someone else just dumped me in it without any briefing or anything. And I'm running around confused and dazed, with no instruction manual, trying to make sense of what the fuck is going on and why I'm acting a certain way.

I just want a job that I'm good at... But that's the issue. I'm not good at anything.

Thursday, 21st January, 2016

Yesterday was awful. Burnt myself, fucked up at work, ate dinner...

So yes, I failed yesterday. But today is 500, which is what I used to live off each day, so I'm hoping to get back into that.

Breakfast:

2 Warburtons Sandwich Thins (200)

Total: 200

Later . . .
Lunch:
Muller Light Strawberry Yogurt (90)
1 Cup Chicken Noodle Soup (44)
Total: 134

So I'm on my final warning at work, cause I'm such a fuck up. Who knows, maybe I'll lose my job by Easter...

Wednesday, 20th January, 2016

550

Breakfast:

53g Special K Red Berries (200)

Total: 200

It's cold.

I had a good time yesterday, went out for a drink with a friend, but now I'm gonna get back to restricting.

Later . . . 
Lunch:
Muller Light Cherry Yogurt (84)
1 Cup Chicken Noodle Soup (44)
Total: 128

I burnt my finger making my soup... I didn't think it was bad so I just left it but now it really hurts so I don't know...

Monday, 18th January, 2016

Bingeing on breakfast bars.

My friend's ma thinks she's at my house, and said she's going to come round today to drop off clothes. I told her she's not here, but I don't know if she believes me. In any case, I'm working until 6pm today so hopefully I can avoid another encounter.

My friend has arrived safely in her new country of origin, and is getting settled, so if her mother continues to harrass me, I'll see if I can ask my friend to tell her I am not hiding her in my house.

I really really hope she doesn't wait for me at the bus stop again...

Sunday, 17th January, 2016

I'm not gonna stick to the diet for a few days. Just.. A lot is happening right now, parents, police..... If I eat I eat, if I don't I don't. I'm not gonna fight it at the moment.

Jesus I'm just so tired.

I haven't slept.

I feel sick.

Later . . .
Choked down a yogurt this morning (84), then didn't eat all day. Just had a mini binge of soup (204), yogurt (90), 2 mini meringues (38) and 3 mini tortillas (300)
So 750 limit today, I guess I'm still under for now, not that I'm counting.

My best friend has fled the country with my help.
Her ma was waiting for me at the bus stop near my house to talk to me to try and get me to talk to my friend.
It was uncomfortable.

Saturday, 16th January, 2016

I called the diet off yesterday, as my best friend is fleeing the country and I wanted to have a good time with her and take her out for dinner.

Anyway, today for breakfast and lunch:

1 Chocolate Chip Muffin (306)

Total: 306

Yeah I know it's naughty...

We're just driving to the airport. Bless my parents, they said my friend doesn't have to get the train there, we'll drive there. I'm gonna offer to pay my parents for a full tank of gas later, it's the least I can do.