Why

I am so fucking done with my brain.

I'm meant to have started the Skinny Girl diet today and I fucking binged this morning on rice, meaning I've gone over the 400kcal limit for today. If I don't eat for the rest of the day then it's salvageable as I wouldn't be over 1,000 so I could still potentially lose A BIT of weight.

But dear god I want to drill a hole into my fucking brain, grab a vacuum and suck this faulty piece of shit muscle out of my body. I DONT WANT TO RESTRICT. Yes I want to lose weight but not like this. And I am FUCKING SICK of feeling guilty and disgusting every time I go over 500kcal for the day. That's just NOT OKAY.

And sure there'll be people telling me "oh then diet healthily! You can do this this and this to lose weight in a healthy way!" But THESE PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

For me there is no grey. There is only black and white. There is only everything or nothing. Steely Determination OR a "fuck it all" attitude. I have no middle.

I have TRIED. I have been on a 12 week healthy eating NHS course. All it did was trigger me into severely restricting my intake again.

I KNOW how to diet and how to change my lifestyle. I KNOW what needs to be done but I can't seem to do it, no matter how hard I try.

I'm a skinny person stuck in a fat body and it hurts. I just need to be me and me is NOT obese! And the only way I seem to be able to lose weight is in the bad way of barely eating!!

I'm so tempted. I found my stash of plasters the other day and god I just want to start cutting again. I miss it. Maybe it's a nostalgia thing, because back when I was cutting daily, I was so in control and I was so skinny. I want to be back at that time again.

And what's really annoying is no matter how hard I try to recover (self-recover because no medical professional will give me help for an eating disorder because I'm fucking obese and not half dead), I relapse again because my brain will NOT let go of my "ideal weight"..... I have never reached my Ultimate Goal Weight and I'm obsessed with the number. I honestly feel that I will never be able to fully recover until I've reached that stupid and dangerous weight.

It's nearly my birthday. Why can't I just enjoy life? Why do I have to diet and starve myself? Why do I have to want to kill myself every time I eat what my twisted mind refers to as "too much"?

I will get to my UGW next year, I know it because I've planned it.

But why can't I just enjoy THIS year?

I'm so.
Fucking.
Tired of this bullcrap.