Sunday, 24th January, 2016

So straight up today is a fail, I'm gonna try and start afresh tomorrow, finish off this diet well, then ABC should be great as I know I lost loads doing that last time.

Also, new juice bar in town, I've been trying to find out the nutritional data, and I can't find it anywhere! Literally, I've been looking for weeks now, and I can only find one or two things on myfitnesspal, and even then it's only like 2 of the drinks!

I just went and got a free sample, and while I was there I politely asked if they knew where I could find the nutritional information. Although I couldn't take it away, they let me have a look at their nutrition folder and, with a very brief skim through, I noted that nothing was over 100kcal as far as I could tell!

I'll go back again and have a more solid look, maybe ask if I can take pictures of the pages? Though that might get some weird looks...

It's delicious though, and it even says as one of their slogans "a meal in a cup", which is perfect, especially if they're all under 100!!

I got a Tropical one, it has tropical juice, mango, banana and no-fat sorbet in, and it's soooooo yummy. Oh man, I hope my eyes weren't deceiving me when looking at that folder... I was definitely looking in the kcal column, I know that for sure but.... I need to double check.... This could be my new regular drinks place though! Oh wow I hope so!

Friday, 22nd January, 2016

Failed yesterday, but only just. Limit was 500, I think I hit nearer 550 maybe? Ah well. Still a fail, but at least it wasn't a full out binge.

Breakfast:
Special K Cereal Bar Red Berries (84)
Special K Biscuit Moments (98)
Total: 182

It's okay though (hopefully), because I feel more in control. The only thing I need to do is focus tomorrow, on my day off. It's always on my days off that I binge, so I want to try and make tomorrow the start of a new habit, a better habit, of not bingeing.

Fingers crossed.

Not much time later . . .
Well fuck.
Today's a fail.
Screw it all.

I need to sort myself out before I can get back on track... I'm not okay.

Where Do I Belong?

I've never really fitted in to anywhere before... And now I'm starting to think maybe there's nowhere for me. I'm on my final warning at work because it's the nth time my boss has had to take me aside and "have a chat" about stuff, so I don't know how long I can keep going before I fuck up again, and besides I don't seem to keep jobs or relationships for more than half a year...

I just constantly feel like I don't belong. And then I'm left wondering where I should be. Should I be here, in this job, in this life? If not, where should I be?

So often it feels like someone abandoned this impossible life, and someone else just dumped me in it without any briefing or anything. And I'm running around confused and dazed, with no instruction manual, trying to make sense of what the fuck is going on and why I'm acting a certain way.

I just want a job that I'm good at... But that's the issue. I'm not good at anything.

Thursday, 21st January, 2016

Yesterday was awful. Burnt myself, fucked up at work, ate dinner...

So yes, I failed yesterday. But today is 500, which is what I used to live off each day, so I'm hoping to get back into that.

Breakfast:

2 Warburtons Sandwich Thins (200)

Total: 200

Later . . .
Lunch:
Muller Light Strawberry Yogurt (90)
1 Cup Chicken Noodle Soup (44)
Total: 134

So I'm on my final warning at work, cause I'm such a fuck up. Who knows, maybe I'll lose my job by Easter...

Wednesday, 20th January, 2016

550

Breakfast:

53g Special K Red Berries (200)

Total: 200

It's cold.

I had a good time yesterday, went out for a drink with a friend, but now I'm gonna get back to restricting.

Later . . . 
Lunch:
Muller Light Cherry Yogurt (84)
1 Cup Chicken Noodle Soup (44)
Total: 128

I burnt my finger making my soup... I didn't think it was bad so I just left it but now it really hurts so I don't know...

Monday, 18th January, 2016

Bingeing on breakfast bars.

My friend's ma thinks she's at my house, and said she's going to come round today to drop off clothes. I told her she's not here, but I don't know if she believes me. In any case, I'm working until 6pm today so hopefully I can avoid another encounter.

My friend has arrived safely in her new country of origin, and is getting settled, so if her mother continues to harrass me, I'll see if I can ask my friend to tell her I am not hiding her in my house.

I really really hope she doesn't wait for me at the bus stop again...

Sunday, 17th January, 2016

I'm not gonna stick to the diet for a few days. Just.. A lot is happening right now, parents, police..... If I eat I eat, if I don't I don't. I'm not gonna fight it at the moment.

Jesus I'm just so tired.

I haven't slept.

I feel sick.

Later . . .
Choked down a yogurt this morning (84), then didn't eat all day. Just had a mini binge of soup (204), yogurt (90), 2 mini meringues (38) and 3 mini tortillas (300)
So 750 limit today, I guess I'm still under for now, not that I'm counting.

My best friend has fled the country with my help.
Her ma was waiting for me at the bus stop near my house to talk to me to try and get me to talk to my friend.
It was uncomfortable.

Saturday, 16th January, 2016

I called the diet off yesterday, as my best friend is fleeing the country and I wanted to have a good time with her and take her out for dinner.

Anyway, today for breakfast and lunch:

1 Chocolate Chip Muffin (306)

Total: 306

Yeah I know it's naughty...

We're just driving to the airport. Bless my parents, they said my friend doesn't have to get the train there, we'll drive there. I'm gonna offer to pay my parents for a full tank of gas later, it's the least I can do.

Thursday, 14th January, 2016

Breakfast:

Muller Light Toffee Yogurt (90)

3 Dry Crackers (110)

Total: 200

So I WOULD have passed yesterday, but the recipe book lied. We had a "300kcal meal" but we left out the potatoes, so me and ma put it into a recipe calculator to see how much under 300 it was.

IT WAS FUCKING 400+ CALORIES!!!!

Now, to most people 100kcal is nothing. To people who get to eat what they want and not feel like shoving their fingers down their throats, 100kcal extra is nothing.

But when I'm trying to help myself by actually EATING SOMETHING rather than starving myself, when I'm counting calories exactly so that I can feel okay about putting shit in my mouth it is not fucking okay

So yeah, I don't know what to class yesterday as.

Later . . . 

Lunch:

Vegetable Soup (67)

1 Milk Bottle Sweet (15)

Total: 82

Alan Rickman died... 

Man, he was a part of my childhood, the Harry Potter films..... 

Trying not to cry right now.

Later . . .

Snack:

Special K Biscuit Moments (98)

2 Milk Bottle Sweets (30)

Total: 128

Dinner: 

400g Tomato Soup (204)

1 Dry Cracker (35)

Total: 239

DAY TOTAL: 649

Wednesday, 13th January, 2016

Breakfast:

Müller Light Strawberry Yogurt (90)

3 Dry Crackers (110)

Total: 200

I binged yesterday. It was shit. Nice restaurant though. 

No work today thank god, the bosses cancelled, so I'm gonna run a few errands in town to try and keep me from bingeing again.

Later . . .

Lunch:

400g Chicken Noodle Soup (126)

1 Mini Meringue (19)

500ml Pepsi Max (2)

Total: 149

Doing well today, been for a walk around town, and I checked out the new gym. It's a pretty decent atmosphere, so I'll see if I can head down there sometime this week, maybe after work some day?

We'll see...

Tuesday, 12th January, 2016

Breakfast:
Muller Light Strawberry Yogurt (90)
3 Dry rackers (110)
Total: 200

I've decided to stick with routine today, and just order a side salad at the restaurant tonight. That'll definitely be under 200kcal, so I'll be well within the limits for today.

I did quickly jump on the scale this morning... I have literally lost nothing...
At least the gym is open today, I'm going to check it out after work tomorrow and, if I like the atmosphere and feel comfortable, I'll start planning my work out days.

Monday, 11th January, 2016

Disaster!!!! I don't know what to do!!!!

I thought my morning hot chocolate was 145 because that's what I found on all those calorie websites but in the coffee shop this morning I glanced at the board to see ITS 178KCAL?!?!?! 

What do I do?! Do I class the last two days as fails then? I thought I was doing so well oh my god I don't know what to do.....

Later . . .

Breakfast: 

Short Soy Milk Hot Chocolate (145)

2 Marshmallows (50)

Total: 195

Turns out I was being stupid, it said 178 on the board because that was with regular milk. I'm lactose intolerant so I get soy milk.

Shit happened at work today, so I left early at 12:30, and stayed in bed until 5pm. Just, there's a lot of things going on at the moment, so I had plenty of calories left over for dinner as I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast.

Snack:

Special K Red Berry Bar (84)

Total: 84

Dinner:

Creamy Spinach Pasta (338)

Müller Light Cherry Yogurt (84)

Dry Cracker (35)

Total: 457

DAY TOTAL: 736

Dinner was good. Mother cut down my calories as much as she could, taking out the bacon bits and only giving me 100g cooked pasta. I'm having a yogurt for dessert and a dry cracker to nibble on.

Tomorrow we're going out for dinner. I don't know whether to save my calories or just eat as normal...

Sunday, 10th January, 2016

Breakfast:
Short Soy Milk Hot Chocolate (145)
2 Marshmallows (50)
Total: 195

At Christmas, my ma bought me two checkered shirts. I've avoided trying them on up until now, however last night I finally did...

They were too small...
And one of them was a UK size 10....

I have never ever been a double digit size before.. It hurt, it really fucking hurt. I told her to take them back and just get me a dressing gown or something. Something that won't show how fat I am. I mean, yes I knew I was overweight, I knew I was fat, but I just.... Didn't realise quite how bad it was....
No way am I bingeing now. Every time I get the urge I'm just going to picture that size 10 shirt, with my stomach causing it to pull at the buttons...

I kind of want to eat less.. But at the same time, when doing diets like this, I like to keep as close to the calorie allowance of each day as possible, because the way I see it, these diets are MADE that way in order to maximise weight loss.
I'll keep going as I am, sticking to the limits, and we'll see how that goes.

Thank god weigh day isn't until 31st...

Later . . .
Snack:
2 Marshmallows (50)
Total: 50

Lunch:
1 Mug Vegetable Soup (67)
Muller Light Strawberry Yogurt (90)
Total: 157

Doing well so far.
I use the Blogger app to make these blogs, so that's why they're pretty plain. It doesn't really let you colour-code, change font size or anything... It's a shame, because I look at the blogs of people like MeInTwistedWonderland and think how nice it would be to have a beautifully laid out blog.

Anyway, I'm practically living off soups and liquids at the moment - Hot chocolate for breakfast, soup for lunch, and soup for dinner - so I'm quite pleased with that. I like soup. It's warm and comforting, it takes a while to eat (you can't just wolf it down without burning your mouth), a lot of it is low calorie, and it often tastes great!

The vegetable soup I'm having today is a little questionable, however...

Later . . .

Dinner:

Chicken Stir Fry (396)

2 Marshmallows (50)

Pepsi Max (2)

Total: 448

DAY TOTAL: 850

Exactly on point today! I didn't eat my afternoon snack because I was preoccupied at work, so I had an extra 100kcal for dinner tonight, meaning I was able to join my family for a stir fry meal. 

Actually feel a little sick having a solid meal...

Saturday, 9th January, 2016

Back on track now, no more bingeing. My parents want to take me out for dinner on Tuesday, my next day off, which is great because thinking about it all day will stop me bingeing. Then, I'm going into work on Wednesday, my other day off, and my new day off is Saturday and my parents will be home so I won't binge again! Perfect.

Breakfast:

Short Soy Milk Hot Chocolate, No Cream (145)

2 Marshmallows (50)

Total: 195

Later . . .

Lunch:

1 Mug Leek and Potato Soup (60)

1 Müller Light Toffee Yogurt (90)

Total: 150

Later . . .

Dinner:

400g Carrot and Coriander Soup (168)

1 Slice Seeded Bread (152)

1 Dry Cracker (35)

Total: 355

DAY TOTAL: 798

Friday, 8th January, 2016

Breakfast:

Curly Wurly Chocolate Bar (118)

2 Dry Crackers (70)

Total: 188

Ugh another day off...... I always binge on my days off...... Trying so hard not to.

Later . . .

Failed.

Thursday, 7th January, 2016

Limit is 700 today. Man, I really need to print out the year plan...

Breakfast:

1 Medium Apple (95)

200ml Orange Juice (88)

Total: 183

I'm tempted to weigh myself, but I know that can trigger binges, so I'm gonna avoid it for now.

I've been cut down to 4 days a week at work... And my new day off is a Saturday...... Which means I'll have to avoid my parents. Hmm.

Later . . .

Had one Biscuit Moments bar (49) as a snack this morning and my boss threw away the last bite of it! I was taking a bite or two every half hour...

Lunch:

Müller Light Cherry Yogurt (90)

1 Mug Chicken Noodle Soup (44)

Total: 134

Going well so far, I've saved the last moments bar for an afternoon snack, then I have a little over 200 for dinner tonight. Perfect!

Later . . .

Finished the other biscuit moments bar making my total snacks for the day 98kcal

Dinner:

400g Tomato Soup (204)

3 Marshmallows (75)

DAY TOTAL: 694

Wednesday, 6th January, 2016

I binged yesterday.... So that was a fail! However I tidied up my bookcase, including my food shelf, and have put my food stuff into the kitchen. I have TONS of low cal instant soups and hot chocolates, so I'm taking a bunch of them into work, and that way I have plenty of low cal options for lunches.

Anyway, today's limit is 750, so

Breakfast:

1 Medium Apple (95)

4 Marshmallows (100)

Total: 195

So far so good... Snacks today are at 100, so I might grab another special K breakfast slices. There's two slices in a pack, so that's one for mid-morning and one for mid-afternoon, 98 in total for the whole pack.

Lunch is 200, so..... One of my instant soups. However they're only around 50-70kcal so I have an extra 130..... 5 marshmallows?? I'm literally using marshmallows to fill the calories haha.

Nah, I'll take another apple with me.

Later . . .

Snack:

Special K Biscuit Moments Bars (98)

Lunch:

Müller Light Strawberry Yogurt Pot (90)

1 Medium Apple (95)

Total: 185

Doing pretty well so far! However I ate my whole pack of biscuit moments before lunch, meaning I have no snack allowance left for between now and when I finish work... I swapped shifts with someone, so am working today.

I didn't realise until too late that my snack allowance was reduced for today, from 150 to 100....

Ah well, I started this thing with a 3 day fast! I can do this!!

I aim to get all passes from now on for this diet. I have to try....

My biggest challenge is my other day off this week - Friday. Every time I have a day off I binge. So I need to break that chain. 

Later . . . 

Dinner:

Heinz Tomato Soup 400g (204)

2 Marshmallows (50)

Total: 254

DAY TOTAL: 732

So that's a pass, as long as I eat nothing else! 

Tuesday, 5th January, 2016

Breakfast:

5 Dry Crackers (175)

1 Marshmallow (25)

Total: 200

Monday, 4th January, 2016

Weight: 133 (fully clothed, eaten breakfast and drank water)

My parents work on Mondays so they were up and in the living room the whole time...

I had to dash and weigh myself but I was fully clothed and everything...

I'm subtracting 1lb for all the clothes and everything (I'm quite wrapped up), so my weight today will be 132.

I should really weigh my clothes....

Anyway, limit of 850 today so my breakfast is

One Medium Apple (95)

3 Dry Crackers (105)

Total so far: 200

Perfect. I plan to have 200 for both breakfast and lunch, 300 for dinner and 150 for snacks, so an excellent start!

Later . . . 

So I had a snack, Special K Biscuit Moments Strawberry (98), so I have 52kcal left for my snack budget today! Doing great!

Lunch is

Müller Light Cherry Yogurt Pot (84)

Müller Light Strawberry Yogurt Pot (90)

Total: 174

All within calorie budget so far! Everything's working out perfectly, I think I'll have soup tonight and, depending on what and how much, I might even be able to get a slice of bread in there.

Later . . .

So my plan for dinner has to change cause ma aye the soup I planned to have.... However we had some even lower calorie soup in the cupboard so I guess that's okay.

So, as a mid afternoon snack I had 2 Marshmallows (50), and for dinner in having 

400g Cock-A-Leekie soup (124)

1 slice of seeded bread (152)

Total: 276

Which makes 798 for the day, meaning I have 52 spare! I'll have two marshmallows for dessert.

Finished off my dinner, had my marshmallows and safely within limits at 848kcal for the day. Perfect! Time to relax...

Sunday, 3rd January, 2016

Walked home yesterday! In total, including work, I did 433kcal of walking yesterday!

Still haven't eaten, I've kept it to a 0kcal water fast, but WFs make me very nauseous and I'm feeling like I'm gonna be sick any minute..... I'll do my best!

Other than that, my ma is going all out for dinner tonight, home making a turkey and ham pie, and even making a dessert! She never takes time to make dessert so this is how I know she's going all out. I'll do my best to avoid it.... At least if I have anything, the dessert is fruit salad so I'll just have some of that, and that way it can be a fruit fast, and I can pass day 3 of TYOB.

Let's see how we go.

Saturday, 2nd January, 2016

I didn't weigh myself this morning, because I think, rather than trying to weigh everyday, I'm just gonna stick to the weight days for The Year Of Bones. So, a 3 day fast at the moment, until Monday, then a weigh in Monday morning to see what I lost from the fast.

So far so good, skipped dinner yesterday, even though I was offered chips, fish fingers, bread, soup, basically everything haha but I SAID NO! 

As for today, I'm just constantly yawning... I think I might be getting sleep deprived.... I only ever really get 4-5 hours a night if I'm lucky, and that's always been the case. Think it's starting to have an effect....

But other than that, not a calorie has passed these lips, only beautiful, pure water. I'm almost halfway through my second litre. I would have tried my usual four litre daily target, but I'm not gonna lie, the constant peeing is an absolute nightmare at work, because if a customer catches me, I can end up talking to them for half an hour, and when you gotta go, you gotta go! 

Parents are out tonight so I can easily skip dinner as they won't be having any. They'll just stick on the TV and forget I even exist, as usual. I'm also planning on walking the hour's walk home instead of being a lazy pig and getting the bus, but we'll see, because I'm very very tired...

Friday, 1st January, 2016

Weight: 133

And so begins the year of bones! The first three days are fasting, so I'm going to attempt a water fast. If needed, I will resort to a liquid fast, though I'm hoping I won't need to at all.

So far I'm almost halfway through the day and not a single calorie has passed my lips! I've been keeping busy, updating TYOB spreadsheets, re-writing up low calorie recipes in my new recipe book, and organising my new, tidy, organised room.

My parents will be home after lunchtime, so I'm just hoping I can get away with skipping dinner....

Fingers crossed!