Sunday, 29th November, 2015

Weight: 133lb

My metabolism seems completely fucked up. Water fasting does nothing for me right now, so today I'm doing a chocolate mono.

To maximise weight loss I have eaten all my chocolate this morning and I will fast for the remainder of the day. I did a chocolate mono before and lost 3lb at Easter by doing this, so I'm confident that it will work.

After that, apart from a small salad tomorrow for dinner I intend to liquid fast until Christmas/New Years. Depends whether I can get away with skipping Christmas dinner or not.

I will water fast for as long as possible, with 5hr Energy Drinks (4) as a boost if needed, and 200ml lactose free milk (80) as a strength booster. If I have to eat at any point it will be one of my instant soup sachets, which are all under 70.

I may also start having a mocha in the mornings if necessary (91) though I will try to avoid doing that.

Later . . .

Can I please just starve to death.

Thanks.

K bye.

Saturday, 28th November, 2015

Weight: 131lb

Didn't eat at all yesterday. Pure water fast. I'll do the same again today.

Annoyed that I didn't lose any weight, though the other day I did binge so that's understandable.

I'm going out for dinner with my colleague on Monday. I'm going to order a side salad, no dressing (17) and drink only water. I will be skinny.

No.

I will be bony.

That's what I want.

Skeletal.

That's my dream.

Light as a feather.

Thin as a rake.

I used to fast for weeks on end before stupid self recovery. I'm gonna get back to how I used to be - I was so light compared to now...

Thursday, 26th November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

It's just as well I don't know, yesterday was horrible.

Water fasting today and hopefully for as long as possible. I've bought two extra litre bottles, so I'm gonna try and choke down 3 litres today. That should get the water weight from all the food off, and it'll help my skin too.

All this water, I feel kinda sick... But that's because I'm so bad at my hydration. I literally never drink water, or drinks in general actually. No wonder I keep eating. Half the time "hunger" is actually thirst!

Let's change that. I started at midnight, so almost 9hrs in so far. 

I can do this.

Later . . .

14hrs down.. And 2 litres down! I'm way ahead of schedule, I was meant to finish the 2nd litre by 4pm, I'm already on my third! Maybe I could squeeze in a fourth after work?

I feel so full. This is why I'm so fat. I don't drink enough water. All this weight is probably just water weight from the past half a year! Because I've literally not been drinking enough for that long.

My brother and his current girlfriend are coming over for dinner. I'm not going to join them. If I have to, I'll make some low calorie soup from my collection of instant sachets.

Please don't make me have dinner....

Wait.

Who am I kidding.

Nobody can make me eat.

My body my rules.

Later . . .

For fuck sake get your shit together.... No more fucking around this is bullshit I am a human being I have my own fucking willpower I am not a mindless calorie munching machine I have a fucking brain I choose what I do and I choose not to binge anymore it is disgusting and disgraceful.

Wednesday, 25th November, 2015

Weight: 129lb

So yeah I haven't posted today, and that weight was from this morning. I fucked up bad.

I've been filling my PC with bonespo, and I've told my ma I'm not gonna eat for a week. I'm serious. 

Ugh I want to be skin and bone.

I can't wait for New Years.

Tuesday, 24th November, 2015

Weight: 130lb

Ugh I hate being in triple figures...

But I intend to fast today. Fully fast, no dinner. Hopefully that'll help.

Seeing W today... It's been so long.

Shit! I need to wrap his birthday present! 

Later . . . 

We went to the tattoo parlour, where W got the tattoo I helped design. 

While he was getting it done, the guy who did my one a year ago came up and asked if we were together.

W: not anymore.

Guy: ooooh dear!

Me: it's okay we're still friends.

Guy: that's good. So who dumped who?

(We laugh)

Me: I regretfully left him because I was going through a bad time.

Guy: Regretfully? (To W) come on then, what can she do to get you to have her back? They don't call me Cupid for nothing!

Me: He has a girlfriend so sadly I don't have a chance...

Guy: Wait wait wait... So you (pointing at W) have a girlfriend, and you're here with her (pointing at me)? I'm sorry but you look perfect for each other, just saying.

I FUCKING KNOW! That's what I've been telling people!!! Thank you, tattoo guy!

Anyway, we went back to his, I said no to brownie bites, and then after a while he drove me home.

Overall a good day.

Monday, 23rd November, 2015

Weight: Don't know

Ma got me to help her weigh in this morning. 12st said the scales.

I would kill myself before I reached double figures in stone....

But if my ma's dieting, it means low calorie dinners. Like tonight, calorie-counted risotto - under 500kcal per portion. Though, after dinner today, I am planning on going as long as I can before eating again.

I gotta lose this weight. I gotta break the bingeing habit.

I will do this.

Later . . .

Had a snack pack of beef jerky (72) after work, and dinner will be chicken and mushroom risotto (328) so 400 on the dot today.

Hopefully I'll have lost when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

Sunday, 22nd November, 2015

Weight: 132lb

I'm not surprised I gained. I binged. Again. Pizza and ice cream... I'm gluten and lactose intolerant for christs sake!!! Why do I do this to myself?

Anyway, skipping roast chicken tonight, going to have cooked veg only, keep the calories low. I want to try and get back into minimal eating and full water fasting. At the moment I fast then binge, it's a horrible cycle.

I can't wait to live on my own. I'll measure everything out into small portions in ziplock bags in the fridge, then everything will be easy to calculate. If I lived alone I could choose not to buy junk, or even just food in general! 

But I can't afford to right now. I don't have the money.

I get about £800 a month. If we assume renting a place will be £325 a month, that leaves £475 left. £100 for utilities, which leaves £375, £180 for broadband and phone line, leaving £195, TV license is around £80, leaving £115, water and sewage costs around £200, leaving -£85, then I have my personal costs such as my manicure (£30), Netflix (£8), gym membership (£40), which then leaves -£163 for food and clothes..... So I'm screwed.

Until I can earn more, or find a partner who I can actually get to stay by me, I'm stuck in a house with too much food, parents who guilt trip and get in the way, and no organisation.

UGH. Why is living so expensive?!