Saturday 18th November 2017

Weight: 156.6lb

Lost another kilogram woo!

Changing it up a bit today, felt very "binge-y" so have decided to have 3 "meals" today. Had my Mocha (79) for breakfast, along with 10 cheeky jelly beans (41), and just finished up having 3 rice cakes (81) and 3 corn thins (69) for lunch.

This evening, if I even want it, I'm allowed some chicken noodle soup (128).

On my bike now, trying to get my net value down to zero again so I can still lose weight because I'm eating more today.

Friday, 17th November, 2017

Weight: 158.8

OH MY GOD I'M OUT OF THE 160's!!!!!
Man, I haven't been this low in about 3 years... This is amazing!

I've been on holiday from work since last Friday, and it's done such good; I genuinely think I've got the bingeing under control now!

My goal is to lose enough so that, when I go back to work this Sunday, my colleagues comment on my weight loss. That's my goal right now.

I'm doing so well not eating and skipping meals, and I always find that easier to do on days where I'm working rather than days where I'm not, so it's gonna be great when I go back to work! I have so much self control right now it's amazing.

Currently typing this while on my bike, just burning off my morning latte (69). I'm going by cals consumed right now, instead of Net, but even so I like knowing I have a zero net.

ALSO, one of my oldest friends contacted me and asked if I wanted to go walking with her for fitness this winter - HECK TO THE YESSS

Not only does walking burn calories, we'd be walking around in really nice places, plus being cold burns more calories than being warm, so that's a bonus of doing it in winter!

God damn, things are really looking up, I'm so freakin happy.

Cravings

The monster growls inside of me
Craving calories
The beast it hides beneath my bones
"Give me food!" it pleas

"Donuts! Pizza! Ice cream too!"
I shake my head in shame
"No," I say "We cannot see
our weight just stay the same!"

"Things will never change," I say,
"Until we fight the binge.
Beast you really test me so,
but I guarantee I'll win!"

The beast it growls in anger and
Sits inside it's cage
It has no control of me
But still I feel it's rage.

It paces back and forth inside
Urging me to eat
"I won't!" I cry, "I will not
give in to this defeat!"

And so I lose it, pound by pound
'Til happiness I find
I lose the weight, I win this war
And slowly lose my mind.

Madness

Madness. Madness!
It's madness they say
The desire for bones
Just won't go away

The desire to wither
The desire to fade
The desire to have
The future I made

The future I made
Inside of my head
A skeletal figure
Of me, nearly dead

Why must I have this
It's madness you see
It's madness to want this
Bones just for me

Don't get me wrong
Food is my life
In more ways than one
It's my ultimate strife

I eat just to eat
Not to fill a void
Then I starve just to starve
'Til body destroyed

Food is my love
My dearest obsession
The root of it all
My biggest depression

To eat or to not
That is the query
But whatever I choose
Is wrong. Do you see?

Thinner

Mocha in the morning

Seventy-nine

Nothing in the evening

Doing just fine

Latte the next morning

Sixty-nine

Nothing once again

I'm doing just fine

Nothing in the morning

I'm doing super fine

Nothing for the whole day

These bones are mine

Things Are Going Better

It's been forever since I blogged....

So, an update:

I had a massive period of bingeing, read the "Brain Over Binge" book, and now am turning my life around. I am on day 3 binge free, and I'm doing much better!

In other news, The Year Of Bones is all ready to go for 2018! I can't wait, the spreadsheets are all sorted, the workbooks and challenges are done, everything is prepared, all that's left is for me to stop bingeing.

I've added some thinspo onto my blog because why not (God I want to be as thin as Eugenia Cooney - if not thinner), and yeah fingers crossed that I've got my bingeing under control!

Why

I am so fucking done with my brain.

I'm meant to have started the Skinny Girl diet today and I fucking binged this morning on rice, meaning I've gone over the 400kcal limit for today. If I don't eat for the rest of the day then it's salvageable as I wouldn't be over 1,000 so I could still potentially lose A BIT of weight.

But dear god I want to drill a hole into my fucking brain, grab a vacuum and suck this faulty piece of shit muscle out of my body. I DONT WANT TO RESTRICT. Yes I want to lose weight but not like this. And I am FUCKING SICK of feeling guilty and disgusting every time I go over 500kcal for the day. That's just NOT OKAY.

And sure there'll be people telling me "oh then diet healthily! You can do this this and this to lose weight in a healthy way!" But THESE PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

For me there is no grey. There is only black and white. There is only everything or nothing. Steely Determination OR a "fuck it all" attitude. I have no middle.

I have TRIED. I have been on a 12 week healthy eating NHS course. All it did was trigger me into severely restricting my intake again.

I KNOW how to diet and how to change my lifestyle. I KNOW what needs to be done but I can't seem to do it, no matter how hard I try.

I'm a skinny person stuck in a fat body and it hurts. I just need to be me and me is NOT obese! And the only way I seem to be able to lose weight is in the bad way of barely eating!!

I'm so tempted. I found my stash of plasters the other day and god I just want to start cutting again. I miss it. Maybe it's a nostalgia thing, because back when I was cutting daily, I was so in control and I was so skinny. I want to be back at that time again.

And what's really annoying is no matter how hard I try to recover (self-recover because no medical professional will give me help for an eating disorder because I'm fucking obese and not half dead), I relapse again because my brain will NOT let go of my "ideal weight"..... I have never reached my Ultimate Goal Weight and I'm obsessed with the number. I honestly feel that I will never be able to fully recover until I've reached that stupid and dangerous weight.

It's nearly my birthday. Why can't I just enjoy life? Why do I have to diet and starve myself? Why do I have to want to kill myself every time I eat what my twisted mind refers to as "too much"?

I will get to my UGW next year, I know it because I've planned it.

But why can't I just enjoy THIS year?

I'm so.
Fucking.
Tired of this bullcrap.